Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wrath of Lamb September 08/10

The following is my review of 'Max and Ruby Live' yesterday at the Royal theatre.

As I entered the Royal theatre for the matinee presentation of Max and Ruby live - Bunny Party, the air of anticipation was palpable. The animated brother and sister rabbits from Treehouse TV were finally in our fair city, and we were ready for them. When the lights dimmed and the theme song came on, the screams of children was deafening.

Then it all started to go terribly wrong for me.

Two large stuffed rabbit mascots came on stage... looking less like Max and Ruby, and more like something from Donnie Darko. A very weak storyline unfolded, as the two prepared for a birthday party for a 'special mystery guest'. With substandard musical numbers and dancing, we were subjected to a trip to the store, a ride on the bus and back home again. The production value teetered somewhere between a grade 4 play and a homeless person's puppet show. The crying and generally bored response from the audience, was indicative of the overall disappointment.

After a 15 minute intermission... added, apparently, to sell overpriced stickers and annoying light wands, we settled back in for the conclusion. This reviewer did not see the end, as my companion very loudly declared 'I WANT GET OUT.... GET FENCH FIES!!'... I hear ya buddy. I never learned the identity of the special mystery birthday guest, but I'll bet dollars to donuts it was Grandma Bunny. All in all, a rather unsatisfactory experience, and a feeling that Max and Ruby must be laughing all the way to their bunny bank.

Let's hope for a better concert-going experience when Toopy and Binoo come to town.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Wrath of Lamb September 07/10

Well, today marks exactly two years that I've been working on the morning show here at The Zone. Two years. Wow. When I started here, I really didn't know what to expect.... I was the new guy, but I was also the old guy. Since then, I have spent every morning, five days a week, with Dylan Willows... for TWO years now. He's the first person I see in the morning... lucky lucky me.

This job has been pretty interesting... I've been on aircraft carriers, an ice cream truck, the petting zoo. I've been to tons of concerts and met hundreds of listeners, and even had the opportunity to do some charity work, which always feels good.. I want to say thanks to all the Zoners who come up to me at comedy shows and stuff, and tell me how much they love the morning show. It means alot. I still feel like the old guy sometimes, but I no longer feel like the new guy. We've got a couple young whipper-snappers here now, so I'm not the low man on the totem pole anymore.

People often ask me if Dylan and I actually hate each other... and it's a valid question... 'cause when we fight, we really fight... there's no acting there. But we always hug it out at the end, because when it comes down to it, we've grown to love each other. And I love working here, and I hope everyone wants me to stick around, so I can mark more anniversaries in the future. Thanks everyone!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Wrath of Lamb September 06/10

I hate Dave Sawchuk. About two weeks ago. when Dylan was away, Dave spend a good chunk of the morning talking about his experience dealing with a wolf spider. It was wolf spider this, wolf spider that. Since then, when I'm at home, I'll have little pangs of fear, as I remember 'Oh, maybe there's a wolf spider around here somewhere'.

Well, yesterday it happened.

We have a double sink in our kitchen, on one side we wash the dishes, the other side has a large plastic drying rack thing in it. Yesterday, I was cleaning up, and I lifted the drying rack to give that side of the sink a scrub... and there it was. A wolf spider... the size of an aircraft carrier. I jumped back, dropping the drying rack and breaking several dishes.

Then the battle began... I turned on the tap full blast, which knocked the spider down, but only pissed him off, as he quickly ran up the side and onto the counter. In one motion, I swept him back into the sink with a tea towel, while turning on the kettle. I grabbed an unbroken cup and splashed water on him, sending him down the drainhole. But that's not enough, as I know from previous experience... these things can live through just about anything. So out came the dish detergent and the boiling water. I think that did the trick.

My wife came home, and after I explained the carnage, she told me she had seen a wolf spider in the living room. I said 'How did you kill it?' She said 'I didn't... I scooped it up and put it outside'.

Pfffft.... girls.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Wrath of Lamb September 03/10

So, we find out the BC Liberal government were talking about the HST before the election campaign last year. Of course, they have been saying for months that it 'wasn't even on their radar' until after the election. So they're liars. More than 700-thousand people in this province took the time to sign a petition against the HST, far more than was required to send the issue to the legislature. But the government has been doing everything in its power to stall the process, and make it as difficult as possible to move forward. Do you ever feel like maybe the government doesn't give a crap what anybody thinks... that they're gonna do what they want, regardless of the will of the people?

That's not what is supposed to happen... the government is supposed to be elected by the people, for the people, to act on behalf of the people. This Liberals are acting like they have noone to answer to, and unfortunately, maybe that's the case. I honestly believe that if the government had pulled this kind of garbage 30 or 40 years ago, there would be giant protests in the streets... people would be screaming from the rooftops for a new election. But these days, people are too distracted by other mundane things, and have a general attitude of 'well, there's nothing I can do about it, so why bother?' And Campbell and his boys love that, because it means they can do whatever they want, cash their giant paycheques, and rule this province with impunity, with noone to answer to. Pretty sad.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Wrath of Lamb September 02/10

I think we can learn alot from kids. My son is quite obsessed with construction equipment, especially backhoes, dump trucks and steamrollers, which he calls 'rock n rolls'. I was playing with him in our front yard yesterday, when he spotted some construction happening up the street, in front of our local corner store. He wanted to check it out, so we walked up there... we got a popsicle from the store and stood and watched the construction for about an hour. He was completely fascinated... 'Ooooh wow... big truck... OH!! backhoe! backhoe! Ha ha!' He kept yelling out to the construction workers 'Nice job, man!' and they would smile and wave at him.

Such a simple thing brought him so much happiness.

It made me wish life was that easy... made me wish that we weren't constantly distracted by the stresses of work, bills, money, trying to keep up with our neighbours. I think the world would be a better place if we all just tried to see thing through the eyes of children.

Take a moment and smell the backhoes.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Wrath of Lamb September 01/10

I found out this week that one of the young comics that's been coming to amateur nights at Hecklers, has been telling my jokes on stage. He was at gig in another town, and he told one of my best jokes, word for word. What he didn't know is the guy he was doing the show with happens to be one of my best friends.

I know it was not a case of him writing a similar joke by mistake, because I know he's seen me do the joke at Hecklers. Aaargh. There really is no feeling like being stolen from. And stealing jokes and ideas is no different than stealing my i-Pod or my DVD player. In fact, I think it's worse. It's a feeling of being totally violated. In the comedy business, being a joke thief is the absolute lowest of the low.

And it happens in radio too, sometimes.

The bright side, is that people who jack other people's ideas... do it because they lack the talent and creativity to think of something original on their own. They will continue to steal until they get caught and exposed, because that is all they know how to do. On the other hand, original and creative people can always think of more ideas and more jokes, and that is why we will always win.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 31/10

So, the city is now making the move to ban camping on boulevards... in an effort to stop all those folks from hanging out and living in the middle of Pandora Avenue. It's gonna take an amendment to their streets and traffic bylaw. Okay, then why didn't they do this before? I don't know if you've driven down the 900-block of Pandora lately, but it resembles something like a refugee camp. It's one of those sticky situations, because if they remove them from Pandora, then they will most certainly set up somewhere else. And who knows where that might be.

At least with Pandora, there is a certain containment... the police know where they are, and the good folks of Victoria know which street to avoid. The problem is, there are people who live and work down in that area, and it's no fault of their own that they have to walk through that mess every day. It's interesting to note, that to deal with the camping problem, the city opened up 85 more shelter beds this summer, but they remain only half full. Which means the people camping on Pandora are not there out of necessity... they're there because it's a place to hang out with complete freedom. Kind of hard to garner a lot of sympathy there. I'll guarantee when the weather turns wet and cold, those shelter beds will be full. Being homeless and addicted to drugs must be awful, and everything must be done to help these folks clean up and get off the street. But when those same people shun help, and would rather party in the middle of our downtown streets, it's time to put the foot down.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 27/10

I found out last week that I might have been at a somewhat historic gig here in Victoria, back in the day. Jeremy Baker had started a thread on Facebook about the time Pearl Jam played at Harpos in the early 90s, and then someone brought up the time Nirvana played the Forge, in like 1991. The Forge was where Element, or Club 9-1-9 is now. A guy named Darren, who used to run with my little crew back in the day, piped up and said 'Jason, I have a photo somewhere of you at the Nirvana gig'.

Wow. I have no recollection of being at that show, but it is most certainly a possiblity.

You see, back then I went to many many gigs, and I don't remember most of them, for various reasons. Seeing Nirvana back then would not have meant anything at the time, as noone knew who they were. But it's cool to think that maybe I was there. I hope I was. And I hope Darren can find that photo.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 26/10

I just wanted to get the word out to some people out there who may not know. Heckler's, the comedy club that I work at on the weekends, has started doing amatuer comedy nights. They happen every second Sunday... we just had one last week, so the next one is on September 5th. We've done seven of them now, and it's amazing how much local talent we have in this city. Last week was probably the best show so far... everybody had a good set. And for the first time, we had a female comic on the bill... her name was Teresa and she was hilarious. We've had several women sign up in the past, but they've all bailed out at the last minute. I encourage you to check out amateur night sometime. And hey, if you ever thought you'd like to give stand-up comedy a try, find the Hecklers amateur night Facebook page and sign up. And maybe I'll see you on stage!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 25/10

I found out yesterday that FUBAR 2 is coming out soon. This makes me unbelievably happy. FUBAR was one of the funniest movies I've ever seen in my life. I saw it in the theatre with my wife and a friend, and they were concerned because I was laughing so hard, I could barely breathe. Only a few movies have caused me to laugh hysterically and uncontrollably.... the Monty Python movies, Austin Powers, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Borat.

I think what I connected to most with FUBAR is that those two guys are a lot like the guys I went camping with back in the day. And some of them are still like that. I recommended FUBAR to my friend Steve, who was exactly like that... still is to certain extent. He watched it and then called me up... 'Dude, that movie was hilarious! But holy crap, man, I mean that guy DIED in the river!! I can't believe they showed that'. I said 'Steve, you know the movie was fake, right? Not a real documentary'.'Oh'.

Steve thought it was real.

I'm gonna make it my mission to get the FUBAR guys on the morning show. If you haven't seen FUBAR, run out and get it now. Then join me in the line to see FUBAR 2.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 24/10

So, Tiger Woods is now officially divorced from his wife Elin. It was nine months ago that Tiger crashed his SUV into a tree, and everything quickly unravelled from there. We all found out that he had been unfaithful to his wife, with potentially dozens of women of varying degrees of skankiness. He took a long break from golf, and then started up again.... but he hasn't won a tournament since, and in fact has played worse than ever before in his career. It seems practically impossible for that to be a coincidence.

So, the question is.... was it the love of his wife that was the secret to his game, or the multiple sex partners on the side? Or perhaps he just can't get over the shock of getting caught, and the public pressure that came along with it. Either way, Tiger Woods needs to get back on his game... and fast. Otherwise, he will soon lose his reign as the best golfer in the world.

He better hope Phil Mickelson doesn't start cheating on his wife.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 23/10

Happy Birthday to Keith Moon. He was the drummer for The Who, and in my opinion, the ultimate rock star. He was the first one to trash a hotel room, drive his car into a swimming pool and smash his drums to pieces on stage. He earned the nickname 'Moon the Loon' for his antics. Animal from the Muppets was based on Keith

He was a drug addict and an alcoholic, and he was damn proud of it, at least for most of his life. This was before rehab became all the rage. Keith died in 1978... about 2 weeks after his 31st birthday. He had overdosed on pills he was taking to control his alcoholism. You don't get a better rock star death than that.

I've always loved Keith Moon, because he represented the ultimate abandon... sex drugs and rock n roll... and you'll never another one like him. Plus, he was an amazing drummer. Happy birthday Keith Moon.


Friday, August 20, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 20/10

I took my little guy to Beacon Hill Park yesterday. During the summer, I try to take him there about least once a week or so. It truly is a beautiful park, and is nice sanctuary of fresh air and nature in Victoria. There's so much to do with a little kid... the petting zoo is of course number one, but there's also all the ducks, squirrels, flowers, lots of room to run around, and the playground, too.

We were at the playground... and here's a rule that I think should be fairly obvious... if you've gone through puberty, and your voice has changed... maybe you're too old to be playing at the playground. There were two kids, I think they were brothers, and they were running around, up and down the slides, over the monkey bars, barreling over little kids... 'Tag, you're it'. Too old.

Then I was walking through a nice grassy field with Martin, when we came up to an old lady in a wheelchair, just sitting there by herself. I thought 'Oh, I bet she'd be delighted to see a cute little kid'... so I whispered to Martin 'Go up to the nice lady and say hi'. He walked up to her and said 'Hi! It's a great day!'. She said 'Hi!'  Then I noticed she was trying to hide something in her hand... she was nervously talking to my boy, and when I looked closer, I saw she was holding a crack pipe. We had interrupted this little old lady's afternoon coke fix.

Aaaah... fresh air and nature.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 19/10

You really don't see people wearing rock t-shirts anymore. I think it's one more sign that the music industry is really changing, and not necessarily for the better. When I was growing up, everybody wore their musical tastes on their chest. In high school, you either had a Michael Jackson t-shirt, a Duran Duran t-shirt or a Motley Crue t-shirt. I had a Black Sabbath t-shirt... it said 'Black Sabbath - Live Evil', and the 'e' in 'evil' was backwards, so it still read 'live evil' in the mirror. I thought that was the coolest thing ever, like my t-shirt was a portal into hell or something.

But those days are gone.

The only people I see wearing rock shirts now, are the people here at the station. Pol has a few, and I occasionally see Jeremy wearing one. But that's about it. Oh, sure, you'll see the odd middle aged biker in an AC/DC shirt, but where are the young kids wearing shirts of bands from this decade? There used to be entire stores dedicated to rock-n-roll... they'd have shirts, stickers, patches, giant Led Zeppelin flags, zippo lighters with the Slayer logo, you name it. But these days, all I see is a sea of glittery skulls and wings with medieval fonts saying things like 'Affliction' and 'Domination' and 'Bad to the Bone'.

Sad times indeed.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 18/10

So, I'm back to work after a short but very relaxing holiday with my wife and little boy. We went to a beach resort near Parksville, and stayed in a little cottage... it was lovely. On our second night, we hired a babysitter through the resort, and my wife and I went for a full-on, like 4 hour spa treatment. I had never been to a spa in my life... so I was a little apprehensive... okay, I was actually pretty scared. I pictured being surrounded by perfect bodies, all tanned and toned, and I would stick out like a fat thumb. But when we got there, we started off with a dip in the mineral pool. I was certainly not the fattest, oldest or hairiest person there by a long shot. That eased my stress right away... good start.

Then it was time for the massage.. my wife and I got them side by side, which was nice. They started with a 'revitalizing paraffin dip'. The lady stuck my feet in two plastic bags full of hot wax. It was nice, but nothing you couldn't do at home with a couple of ziplocs and some tea candles. The massage was great... hot towels, lavender spray, oils and scents and new age music. Then, to top it all off, we sat in our bathrobes and ate the best tapas I think I've ever had.

It was definitely a most relaxing experience... and then I got the bill.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 12/10

Now, this is something I think I've talked about once before, but it's worth visiting again, because it has gotten completely out of hand. In fact, it's reached epidemic proportions in this city. I'm talking about people putting their unwanted crap out on the street, on the boulevard, and even in parks. Everything from couches, mattresses, broken TVs, tables, chairs... you name it, it's out there.

I've even seen full living room sets and a baby crib. That's a nice one... 'Hey, congratulations on your beautiful new baby, you must be so happy... perhaps he's like to sleep in this garbage I found on the side of the road. I used to think it was kinda funny, but it really has turned into an eyesore. You see it in pretty much every neighbourhood in Victoria. I think the folks from that show Hoarders need to come here and give the entire city some therapy.

It's like it's become accepted, that if you have something that you don't want, you simply leave it out and someone else will deal with it. I know some people think they're doing the community a favour, because they stick a 'free' sign on their crap. Gee, thanks. You mean I don't have to pay for this moldy couch or this broken lamp? Well, guess what? You are not Robin Hood... no, you are just a lazy disgusting litter bug.

This needs to stop. The whole city is starting to look like the front yard of a guy named Skeeter in Driftpile, Tennessee.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 11/10

So, there's another story about a catholic priest accused of sexually assaulting young children. This time it's a former priest, who worked at the St. John the Worker Parish in Saanich. I know a lot of comics who have jokes about catholic priests abusing kids, and although they may be a little tasteless, the fact is, it is truly mind-boggling just how big of a problem it has been. In the United States alone, more than 43-hundred priests have been accused of sexual abuse in the past 50 years.

But it has happened in virtually every country in the world... at least every country with a Roman Catholic population. Let's not forget the residential schools here in Canada... more than sixty percent of them were catholic. If you enjoy documentaries, let me suggest one called 'Deliver Us From Evil'... it's about the cover-ups that took place in the catholic church, and follows one priest in particular... a guy named Oliver O'Grady. The church knew what he was doing, but let him continue, and just moved him from parish to parish.

It's a sickening and really heavy movie, but a definite eye opener, into a very dark piece of history, which, apparently, is still going on.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 10/10

I bought a new pair of headphones yesterday. It took me 20 minutes to get them out of the packaging. They were in one of those clam-shell packages made by Homeland Security that are impossible to open. Why do they make things so difficult? Aren't we supposed to be living in a time of LESS packaging and waste?

Toys are the worst. Don't these people realize that when I get home and bring out a new toy, my boy wants it NOW. He doesn't want to wait for half an hour while daddy brings out the tool box and the blow torch, cursing, while he battles with the packaging. And there seems to be a trend now, to not only encase your product in super thick, artery severing plastic, but also everything must now be attached by little twist ties, that are wound so tight that only the tiny fingers of sweat shop employees would have a hope of unravelling them.

So, please, I beg of you big companies... ease up on the packaging. This may come as a surprise, but I bought your product because I actually want to use it, not just stare at it through a wall of impenetrable plastic.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 09/10

It was fifteen years ago today that we lost one of the great rock stars of the 60s and 70s... hell, even the 80s and 90s. Jerry Garcia died of a heart attack on August 9th, 1995, while living in a treatment facility in California. He was the lead singer and guitar player for The Grateful Dead. The Dead are one of those bands that you're either really into, or not at all.

I saw them live once, in 1994, the year before Jerry died. It was an outdoor show in downtown Seattle, beside the Space Needle. I don't remember a whole lot about it, but I remember the main attraction was really all the weird hippies that were hanging around. There were psychedelic VW buses parked everywhere, and it felt like a total throwback to the 60's. The hotel we stayed in was not exactly luxury accomodation, but it was just a couple blocks from the concert.

Everyone... and I mean EVERYONE in the hotel was there for the Grateful Dead, and all the hotel room doors were left open, and the whole place was one giant party. It was awesome.

Jerry Garcia was the ultimate peace loving hippie... he looked like a big huggable teddy bear, with his big hair, his big beard and his big shades. There are a lot of people out there who worshipped the man, and still do. He stood for simple things... music, love and having a good time. I'm glad I was able to see the great man in action before he left us for that big love-in in the sky.

Rest in Peace, Jerry.


Friday, August 6, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 06/10

I went to the new Wal-Mart yesterday. Wow. It is massive. Everything you could possibly want ever in your life is in there somewhere. In fact, when I walked in with my two-year old son, he said 'Whoa... big store.' There's two floors... two gigantic floors, with escalators running between them. And they even have special escalators for your shopping cart. That's right, your shopping cart gets to go up a separate escalator, and you meet up with it at the top.

I have mixed feelings about big box stores like this... on one hand, they are really impersonal, they tend to kill off the small businesses around them, and you're pumping your money into a huge American conglomerate. But on the other hand, they are so damn convenient... and the prices can't be beat. One thing I'm proud of, though, is after wandering around the Wal-Mart for about an hour, checking it all out, the only thing I bought was a ball of string.

The cashier looked at me like I was defective.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 05/10

I was glad to see the California courts overturn Proposition 8. That's the law that banned same-sex marriages in that state... a big step backwards for California, which is normally a very forward-thinking place. So now it's been overturned, and although it's not a done deal yet, it looks like gay marriage will once again be legal there. I feel proud to live in BC, one of the first places in North America to allow same sex marriage.

To me, it's a no-brainer. If two people love each other, why deny them the right to make it official? People who are opposed to it are coming from a place of homophobia and hate, plain and simple. Of course, they won't admit it... they'll tell you that they just want to preserve the sanctity of marriage, which should be between a man and a woman.

Well, inter-racial marriages used to be illegal, too. Imagine how you'd look coming out against that these days. You'd look like a flaming racist... and that's what you'd be... and that's essentially what people opposed to gay marriage are... they just don't know it yet.

So, congratulations to the gay community for a small victory in the much larger fight for equality in this modern age.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 04/10

Happy birthday to U-S president Barack Obama. He's 49 years old today. Unbelievable. He seems to be doing a pretty good job... but it seems he really isn't doing all that much lately. I suppose there were alot of huge expectations of him, especially after that train wreck known as George W. Bush. But Obama came out swinging, with all these great plans to end the war in Iraq, fix their health care system, clean up the environment and generally make everything better. And it seems now he's taking his sweet time with it. I don't know... he is most definitely an improvement from Bush, but I'd like to see some more action, you know? I'm not sure if his hands are tied by the Republicans or what, but I sure would have liked to have seen Obama alot angrier and pro-active about the BP spill. And it seems like everyone has completely forgotten about Iraq. What's goin on over there, anyway? Well, anyway, happy birthday to Barack Obama... I hope us Canadians get to see that get-r-done attitude that I think you were elected for.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Wrath of Lamb August 03/10

There's a spider living in my car. And it's terrifying. I haven't seen it yet, but I know its there, because the last few mornings I've had to walk through a huge spider web as I get into my car. In fact, I can see a web has been spun on my dashboard. I try to just stare straight ahead while I'm driving, because if I see this thing crawling towards me, I'm likely to panic and drive off the road. This is way more dangerous than talking on my cellphone. I'm not even aware of my driving, I'm just desperate to get where I'm going, so I can get out of my 1992 Honda spider's nest. And when I get out, I must look like a crazy person, as I frantically shake my clothes, and dance around flailing my arms.

I don't know what to do... I suppose I should put on some gloves and some goggles or something and just take a vaccuum cleaner, and look for the bugger. Or do I wait it out?  How long do spiders live, normally?  

What if there's more than one? What if it had babies?

Oh my God.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 30/10

I don't usually like getting emails with dumb riddles or jokes, or lists and stuff, but I got one awhile ago that I thought was kinda interesting. It was about the hardest English word for people who are learning our language to grasp the meaning of.

The word is 'Up'.

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or the opposite of down, but in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, why is someone UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we brighten UP a room, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen... then lock UP the house. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. 

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! In a regular dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, think UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

I'll wrap it UP...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 29/10

So, I got a little upset yesterday when Dylan said he had never heard of Ansel Adams. He's a famous American photographer who took alot of black and white pictures of nature, back in the day. I thought it was ridiculous that someone wouldn't know who Ansel Adams was. Well, we went around the station here and did a poll, and it turns out Dylan's not alone.

Of the 21 people we asked, 5 knew who Ansel Adams was, and 16 had no idea. Wow. So, I conceded defeat to Dylan, like the big man that I am. But it still bothers me that so many people are clueless to cultural history.

I bet more people could name three Lady Gaga songs, than three famous Renaissance painters. People watch Big Brother without any idea who George Orwell is. And they think Fellini is a type of pasta.

Maybe this is the old guy in me talking, but what are we teaching the kids in school these days?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 28/10

So, this weekend is the BC Day long weekend. A lot of people will be camping, or bar-b-queing with some beers in their backyard, soaking up the sunshine and enjoying the holiday. I think everyone should take a moment to really reflect on just how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful and interesting part of the world. There are about 4-million people living in BC, most of them on the southwest coast. We are home to rainforests, deserts, world class skiing, fishing, mountain climbing, surfing and hundreds of amazing lakes, rivers and streams.

The best marijuana in the world is grown in BC, and some of the best wine is produced here too. We have more than our share of mythical beasts... including the Ogopogo lake monster, the Cadboro-saurus and Bigfoot.... this might be closely linked to the fact that we grow the best marijuana in the world.

We are home to more than 40 different ethnic groups, speaking more than 30 languages. So, be proud to live in such a beautiful and diverse place. Trust me, when people visit here from other parts of the world, they are completely blown away that somewhere like this even exists. So, make a toast to BC this weekend and be proud to be a British Columbian.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 26/10

Today is Mick Jagger's birthday. The man is 67 years old. I know this is a modern rock station, but it's important to remember where the roots of rock n roll came from. And the Rolling Stones are most definitely a major influence on a lot of what you hear today. If you're one of the uninitiated, it's important to know that the Stones are much much more than 'Satisfaction' and 'Start Me Up'. Over the past 45 years or so, the band has released more than two dozen studio albums, 90 singles and many live and bootleg albums. Let's be honest, nothing past about 1982 is worth listening to, but if you delve deep into their older work, you'll find they produced some really amazing music back in the day. I suggest you check out a couple different albums. 'Exile on Main Street' is a classic, down and dirty rock album, while 'Some Girls' is just awesome from start to finish. And the song 'Memory Motel' off the Black and Blue album is one of the best songs ever recorded in my opinion. So, happy birthday Mick Jagger... you're one of the biggies.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 23/10

The Tour De France finishes on Sunday, and I just wanted to say Go Ryder Go. Ryder Hesjedal is 8th place overall right now, and continues to gain ground every stage of the race. He has quickly turned into a Canadian sports hero, and he's from right here in beautiful Victoria. He's on his way to delivering the best performance by a Canadian at the Tour since 1988, when Steve Bauer finished fourth overall.

Pretty impressive. It's pretty amazing the talent that has come from our sleepy little Island town. We produced Steve Nash, one of the best basketball players in the world. And constantly see world class musicians, actors and artists coming out of our city. Nelly Furtado, Hot Hot Heat, Atom Egoyan, David Foster, Emily Carr... the list goes on. Must be something in the water.

So, I encourage everyone to cheer on Ryder Hesjedal this weekend as he makes his way to the finish line at the Tour De France. Another amazing Victorian.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 22/10

I want to talk about the double rainbow guy. Most of you have probably seen the video by now... it's shot by a crazy hippie guy who sees a double rainbow while he's camping at Yosemite Park in the US. He is more than just a little excited about the whole thing... This guy is REALLY into the double rainbow, he even starts crying and keeps saying 'What does this MEAN??!!!', like it's some message of good fortune from God or something.

It seems like maybe this guy is enjoying some organic alternative reality. And by that, I mean the dude is completely blasted on muggers. But this video has gone seriously viral... at last count there were about six and a half million views. There's even parodies and songs popping up...

The enthusiastic guy who shot the video is Paul Vasquez, also known as 'Hungry Bear'. He's been on talk shows, he's become an internet superstar, he's hired an agent, and he has his own website now where you can buy double rainbow merchandise. This crazy hippie guy from California has become rich and famous...

And you know what?

THAT'S what the double rainbow meant!

Whoa.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 21/10

There's a story this morning about a guy who's been arrested for hanging out and pleasuring himself at children's playgrounds and parks around Victoria and Saanich. The cops have been watching this guy for a long time and finally arrested him, in the act, on July 15th. He was doing his thing at Beacon Hill Park, Mount Doug Park, watching naked children in the change room at Commonwealth Pool, and who knows where else. Any parents out there listening know just how frightening and disgusting this story is... the first thought is, I wonder if he was ever watching my kid?

His name is Jack Thomas Ambler, and he's 51 years old.

Now, what bothers me the most about this story is that the police are not releasing his picture, because they don't think he poses a threat. What? I think we deserve to see what this scumbag looks like, so we can have a chance at protecting our children. Not a threat? Are you kidding me? What, then, exactly, would be considered a threat? How do his rights supercede those of little kids?

So here's what we know... Once again... his name is Jack Thomas Ambler, 51 years old. He's a white guy, six feet tall and 200 pounds with brown hair and green eyes and driving a 1996 blue, four-door Plymouth Breeze. You should memorize that information, because he's free now, and if he goes to jail, I guarantee it won't be for long... and in my opinion he is most definitely a threat.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 20/10

I'm going to tell you a story that I'm not proud of... it's really horrible but possibly entertaining as well. Most grocery stores have points-card programs... like Safeway... they've got great selection and prices, but you save a significant amount if you have a Safeway Club card number... like 10-15 percent. About 8 years ago, when I was living in Vancouver, I was talking to a comedian friend of mine about how I didn't have a Safeway Club card. He told me his roommate has one, so next time I'm at Safeway, I should just use his phone number, and get the discount.

So I did... and I kept doing it, because it was easier than going through the trouble of getting a card. Now, when your receipt prints up, the card member name appears on the bottom, and the checkout people are required to address you by name. So, I would always get 'Thank you, Mr. Clark...'  I would smile and sheepishly take my groceries.

Now, about 4 years ago, tragically, my friend's roommate killed himself. Shortly afterwards, I found myself at Safeway... and out of habit I gave my friend's number. 'Thanks, Mr. Clark....' It was unnerving. But I've continued to use it, and so does my wife. She's Mrs. Clark. My comic friend also still uses the number of his dead roommate's account. I like to think we're keeping his memory alive. Now, I know some of you might be horrified by this, and you're probably right. But it's not like I'm stealing from a dead person.

On the contrary... he's racking up some serious points.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 19/10

So, on the weekend my buddy Dave was taking his nephew out to buy him a birthday present, and he asked if me and my little boy wanted to join them. So we went to this place called the "Build a Bear Workshop'. It's a really cool concept... you pick out a bear you like, then you build it, with the help of the staff. So, they have all these unstuffed animals in bins, all different prices... I felt like I would be a bad father if I didn't get one for Martin, so I steered him towards the cheap section, and he picked out a furry brown rabbit.

Then the nightmare truly began.

A very pleasant young woman took our rabbit to this stuffing machine, and then rammed a large metal tube up its backside. She had Martin step on a pedal that shot wads of stuffing inside his rabbit. Then she made him close his eyes, make a wish and jump three times, while she sewed up the back of the rabbit like a surgeon. Then it was bath time... we took the rabbit to this table where she proceeded to blow dry the rabbit and brush it... then she pulled out a pair of scissors and snipped the excess thread from the rabbit's back... this was traumatizing for both Martin and myself. Then she took us to a giant wall full of clothing and accessories... everything you could imagine... she asked if I wanted to buy an outfit, and realizing this could get very expensive, I declined. She said 'Oh, you're just going out with a bare rabbit? No clothes? What if it gets cold?' Lady, it's a piece of stuffed cloth. I was starting to believe she really thought she had created life or something.

Then, we had to name the rabbit and print out a birth certificate, and register it in case we lost it. Finally, it came time to pay, and the man behind the counter was most enthusiastic. He told me when I got home, to take an online survey about my experience and be entered to win some prize. He actually said "Tell us about what a Bear-tastic time you had... thank you and have a Fur-bulous day".

I think next time I'll do it the old-fashioned way... buy a bear and walk out of the store.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 16/10

I really hope they find that elderly Alberta couple alive and well. But, unfortunatley, it feels like this is gonna have a tragic ending. And, once again, I've been reading about how the RCMP have bungled this case since the beginning. They found the couple's burned-out camper on July 5th, but didn't start looking for them until five days later. What? You would think if you found a large, expensive motorhome that is burned to the ground, your first question might be... 'Gee, I wonder where the owner is?'

Nope.

And then, last week, someone in Prince George spotted the couple's SUV, even copied the plate number and everything. They went to the RCMP detachment on Tuesday and they say they were shooed away, the cops not interested in their information. Didn't take their names, phone number, nothing. Now the RCMP wants to talk to them again, because they believe the vehicle IS in Prince George. So, once again I really hope this story has a happy ending, but if it doesn't, then once again the RCMP have alot of explaining to do.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 15/10

So, the city of Victoria is considering a bylaw that will prohibit anyone under the age of 18 from using tanning beds. I think this is a good thing. Over the last few decades, there has been alot of awareness about the dangers of tanning, and the skin cancers that can be caused by exposure to UV rays. And protecting young people from things that can hurt them is what society is all about. That's why there are legal age limits for smoking, drinking, gambling, and driving.

Tanning beds are dangerous if they are abused.

It's like telling a young person they shouldn't smoke, but then allowing them to lie in a large tube that pumps smoke directly into them. I guess the bigger picture here, is we need to change the way young people see themselves. Because a big part of this is the peer pressure that goes along with trying to look like the people in magazines. We need to change the perception that tanned equals healthy and attractive. And when we do, I'll finally be able to take my shirt off at the beach.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 14/10

There's a story this week, about the police receiving a bunch of complaints about an alarm company that is going door-to-door looking for business. They are really aggressive, and use heavy-handed tactics to pressure people, including refusing to leave when asked to. In fact, one of these boneheads came by my house and bothered my wife the other day. First of all, who conducts business door-to-door these days?

What is this, the fifties??!

I can't stand high-pressure sales people, and when they come to your door, it's even worse. So I give to you... three things you can do to get these people to leave.

Number 1: After their spiel, just say... 'I'm definitely interested in your alarm services, but first, let me tell you about Jesus'.

Number 2: Say 'Do you mind coming back tomorrow? I'm a little busy... today is the day I clean my guns'.

And number 3: Invite them in, and as they enter, start rubbing your crotch vigorously, with a big smile on your face... then shout to the back of your house... 'I gots another one, Jeb! Get the oil ready!!!'.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 13/10

Today is the 25th anniversary of Live Aid. It was a huge huge deal. Two concerts, one in London and one in Philadelphia, all to raise money for starving children in Africa. 61 acts performed on this day, and about a billion and a half people watched. It was all organized by a burnt-out old punk rocker by the name of Bob Geldof... he ended up getting knighted and nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. The line-up was unlike anything seen before... a reunited Who, a reunited Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Queen, U2, INXS, RUN DMC, Madonna, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney... the list goes on and on.

In the end, they raised about 150-million dollars for famine relief, but more importantly, they opened up the eyes of the world to what was happening in Africa. The next time you have a rainy afternoon to kill, I recommend you pick up the Live Aid DVD. There are some pretty cheesy 80's styles and pretty cheesy 80's moments, but there are also some unbelievable performances on there too.

It's worth it just for David Bowie and Neil Young.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 12/10

Dear Mother Nature:

Hi there, it's me again... Jason Lamb. Just writing to say thank you for making today so windy and cloudy and cold... because God knows five days is more than enough summer. It's good, because I really didn't have any plans to take my family outdoors this summer, we'd much prefer to stay inside and watch TV or play Scrabble by the fire. I like having to bundle up to visit the beach. And the grey skies and wind and rain remind me how lucky we are to pay half a million dollars for a 800 square foot bungalow. I appreciate that you are protecting me from skin cancer by not allowing my body to get exposed to harmful UV rays... or any rays for that matter. I enjoy having a transluscent hue to my skin. It's great that I don't have to bring out my sunglasses at all, that just means they'll last longer... same with my bar-b-que and my frisbee. So, thanks Mother Nature, five days was plenty summer for me.

And in case you couldn't tell, I'm being SARCASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 09/10

The Calgary Stampede kicks off today, with a big parade, before a beer-fuelled weekend of wannabe cowboys acting like jackasses descends on that wannabe American city. This year, there is a big push from some animal rights groups who want to stop certain parts of the rodeo, like the calf-roping event. For me, the Calgary Stampede is a nice family festival, that is built around a barbaric and brutal display of animal cruelty and ridiculous macho muscle flexing. In the last 20 years, more than 30 horses have died during the Stampede, and who knows how many cows.

Have you seen the bull-riding?

Wow, what athletes. The reason the bull is bucking like that, is because they tie his testicles way back between his haunches. He flails around like that because he's in extreme pain and discomfort, and he can't figure out how to stop it. Real nice. And the calf-roping event? These are baby cows. Babies. They get a rope thrown around their neck, yanked violently to the ground, then tackled and their legs tied up.

Real manly.

Perhaps if these rodeo clowns were to endure the same treatment themselves they'd think twice about how they treat these animals. Hell, I'd buy a ticket for that. Of course, you always hear 'Well... gol-dang y'all, this is a tradition... my pappy did it and his pappy, and his pappy before that.' Well, Your great grand pappy also had other traditions, like salvery, not allowing women to vote, and beating children with reeds at school. Those traditions are dead, and I think it's time this one joined them. It's called evolution.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 08/10

So, we're hanging out in an ice cream truck this morning, and that's got me thinking about cold treats. I don't think there's a Canadian out there who doesn't have fond memories of Freezies and popsicles in the summertime. I've always been partial to the dark purple Freezies myself... I guess they're grape flavour. There's nothing better than when the bottom part gets all melted and you tip your head way back and squeeze that sugary liquid goodness into your gullet, as the sharp plastic sides of the Freezie cut into the sides of your mouth. I love popsicles, too. Orange is the classic, and always a favourite. I tried a banana one a couple weeks ago that was awesome.

But here's a question: Whatever happened to rootbeer popsicles?

They were, by far, the best popsicles ever made. But over the years they've become harder to find than Bin Laden. Once in a blue moon I'll see one at a store, and it's like I'm 9 years old again. I'll buy all the rootbeer popsicles they have, only to never see one again for years. You can get rootbeer Slurpees now, and they are delicious, but it's just not the same. So, I'm gonna get George here from Okee Dokee to help start a campaign to bring back the rootbeer popsicle.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 07/10

Sometimes being a news guy can be a little depressing. Every day, I have to read stories about death, destruction and misery. But now that I'm a father, some of these stories hit me a lot harder than they used to. I'm talking about stories that involve children. There are a few this week. The 12-year old boy up Island who was struck and killed by a train... the little four year old girl who is missing in Saskatchewan, and the funeral today of the girl who was murdered by her stepdad.

I don't mean to sound cheesy here, but children are as innocent as you can get, and they never deserve to get hurt, or to bear the brunt of the violence and reality of the adult world. As for the boy who was killed by the train... that was an accident, plain and simple, but I can't imagine how his father feels, and I hope he can recover from it. I hope they find the little girl in Saskatchewan, and I hope she'll be okay. As for the Abbotsford girl who was brutally killed by her mentally ill stepfather, well, I hope he goes away for a very long time. Meanwhile, I will hold my son close and wait for the next story to come along about some horrible thing happening to an innocent child....

Because they always do.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 06/10

One of my favourite things in life is when I get to experience something that I've never seen, that I'll probably never get to do again, and that very few people have gotten to do. Like when I took a ride in a blimp, when I got attacked by a police dog, or when Dylan and I got to tour that giant American aircraft carrier last month.

Well, yesterday I got to see something very unique. I was down at Gonzales beach with my wife and son, building sandcastles. I noticed there were an unusual number of jellyfish in the water, of all different sizes. I walked up the beach a bit and saw the biggest jellyfish I have ever seen, just a few feet offshore. It was about the size of a t-shirt, and it had orange and dark red plumes inside it. It was very cool.

A small crowd gathered and we were watching this thing, when all of a sudden a small clear disc popped out of a hole in the top. Then another one a few minutes later. We realized we were watching this big mama jellyfish giving birth to its babies. It was disgusting and beautiful at the same time. So, now I've seen a jellyfish give birth.

Scratch that one off the list.


Monday, July 5, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 05/10

I wanted to give kudos to the Victoria Pride Society for putting on such a successful pride week. I didn't get to check out too many of the events.. I saw the big gay dog walk and stuff, but I missed the parade yesterday, which I heard was great. Not the best weather to be wearing nothing but glitter and tighty-whiteys, but still. When I was growing up, there was no gay pride parade. There was only one gay bar, and the whole scene was kept very underground.

It blows my mind that in this day and age there are still so many homophobic people out there. It's a very ignorant and selfish way to be, when you think about it. I hate YOU, because of the way YOU are. Why don't you look in the mirror and worry about your own damn self? Sometimes you'll hear someone say something like 'I have no problem with gay people, I just wish they weren't shoving it in my face all the time'.... Well, first of all, where are you hanging out exactly? In all my years, I've never had anyone shove gay in... my... face.

And secondly, if by in your face, you're referring to the once-a-year parade... well, it's a way of showing you they don't need to be ashamed of themselves. The fact that we still hear stories of gay people being attacked by packs of idiots is just sickening. Maybe one day they'll invent a pill that makes people intelligent, tolerant, open minded and aware that we are all in this together. Until that pill gets invented, a big thanks to folks like the Victoria Pride Society for doing their part to open our eyes.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 02/10

Well, I learned a valuable lesson on Wednesday night. You see, as you get older, you slowly come to grips with the fact that you can't do certain things anymore. On Wednesday, I learned that mosh pits and 39-year olds do not mix. I'm still a big fan of punk music, but I think the time has come for me to enjoy it from the sidelines, and not get right up into the action.

I saw Nomeansno at the Sugar nightclub, and it was great. But at some point I thought it would be a good idea to join the mosh pit on the floor. That decision was almost certainly fuelled by alcohol. Now, the pit was not a tightly-knit ball of people bouncing up and down together, it was one of those more open mosh pits where everyone has room to flail around madly. Unfortunately, there were a couple of real idiots in the crowd, who didn't understand the etiquette of slam dancing.

I was minding my own business, bouncing around like a pinball game, when I got completely barreled over by this guy... I went flying into the air and landed square on my back. Even in my haze, I could actually hear people gasp. Somebody pulled me up and asked if I was okay. The booze must have numbed the pain, because I went right back at it. But when I woke up yesterday, I could barely move, and I am still in an enormous amount of pain.

A sad day, to learn that perhaps I'm too old for mosh pits. And perhaps the most ironic thing... I woke up on the couch yesterday, wearing the Nomeansno shirt I had bought... and on the back it says' Old is the new young'. Ummm... no.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 30/10

Tomorrow is Canada Day, and it's always a good idea to sit and reflect on why this country is so awesome. I'm very proud to be a Canadian. I guess I don't know any different, but this is the country where I met my wife, where we had our baby, where I started in comedy and radio, and where all my friends and family are. We have a great health care system... it's not perfect, but it's pretty damn good, and if you don't think so, watch the Michael Moore film 'Sicko'.

We produce some of the best comedians, best music and best art in the world. Sure, our TV shows and movies still suck, but whatever. There is still so much untouched wilderness in Canada, it's mind-blowing. You can drive an hour from anywhere and be in total nature. I love that. All things considered, we have a pretty liberal-minded country, too. You can walk down the street smoking a joint, and you won't be thrown in jail for 15 years. Not that I do, of course, but some people do, I guess. We have fresh air, good food, cold beer and beautiful women. And if you travel around this amazing planet, you will see that Canada is held in pretty high esteem. Everyone wants to be Canadian. Well, I am, and I'm proud.

Happy Canada Day, everybody!


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 29/10

Okay, I know I talked about this about a year ago, but I'm gonna talk about it again. One of the best live bands in the world is playing in Victoria tomorrow night. Nomeansno have been playing a unique style of jazz-punk for over thirty years now. I've seen these guys live at least like 15 or 20 times, and they never disappoint. They're from Victoria, but tour all over the world, and are HUGE in Europe. They're the kind of band where people who are fans are always trying to convert others. And that's what I'm doing now.

Listening to a Nomeansno record is great, but in order to truly appreciate them, you have to see them live. Now, if Jack Johnson is as hard as you like your music, then perhaps Nomeansno is not for you. But if you like hard-edged punk with intelligence, humour and style, not to mention bass lines that will melt your brain, then check out Nomeansno. So maybe I'll see you at Sugar nightclub tomorrow night... I'll be the 39-year old guy acting like an 18-year old punk.


Monday, June 28, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 28/10

I'm not normally one to get on board with conspiracy theories. But there's one floating around right now, that kinda makes you think. I'm talking about the huge protests that took place in Toronto for the G-20 summit. There were thousands of people marching on the streets, and it was very peaceful. Until a group of yahoos started trouble by smashing windows and even torching a couple of police cars. Well, there are some people out there who think the police themselves were responsible for the violence. That's right, the theory is that dozens of protesters were actually undercover cops, or people hired by the cops, whose job was to create havoc.

Sounds crazy, right?

The term is 'agent provocateur', and it wouldn't be the first time this tactic has been used. The Quebec police have admitted that during some demonstrations three years ago, a group of protesters hurling rocks to try and incite a riot, were, in fact, undercover cops. So, why in the world would the police want to cause a riot?

Well, it's simple.

It accomplishes two very big things... firstly, it gives a black eye to the legitimate protesters, which sways public opinion, and makes the police look justified in shutting it all down. And secondly, it justifies to the public the hundreds of millions of dollars being spent on security for these events.

Something to think about.


Friday, June 25, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 25/10

Today was a big day in music history. First of all, of course, it was one year ago today that Michael Jackson died, one of those events where most people will remember where they were when they first heard. Also, on this day in 1988, Hillel Slovak, the guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, died of a heroin overdose. He was replaced by John Frusciante, who helped lead the band to super-stardom. Today is also George Michael's birthday, and the day the Beatles performed 'All You Need is Love' on live television.

And on this day in 1984, a weird little short guy from Minneapolis who called himself 'Prince', released a little album called 'Purple Rain'. That album was... HUGE!! You couldn't go anywhere for years without hearing it, and of course, he put out the Purple Rain movie, which was just as big. Prince was an interesting phenomenon, because although he was really flamboyant, and quite effeminite, he was the coolest guy in the world... women wanted to be with him, and men everywhere wanted to be him.

If you've never heard the entire Purple Rain album, I suggest you get your hands on it and give it a listen. It's a fantastic album and really stands the test of time.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 24/10

As most of you know, I have a son who's a little over 2 years old. My wife and I try to read books with him every night, because, you know, it's important. I've noticed a few things about children's books.

First of all.... xylophones.

Xylophones get WAY too much attention in kids' alphabet books. I've maybe seen, I don't know, half a dozen xylophones in my entire life. But every children's book seems to think this is the first and only 'X' word my kid should be learning. There are also way too many zebras and violins.

And the other thing I've noticed is an unbelieveable number of friendly bears.

Little Bear, Paddington Bear, Rupert, The Berenstein Bears, Winnie the Pooh. Why so many friendly bears?
This is what we teach our kids... until the first time we take them camping, and then its... 'If you see a bear, don't go near it. Get away, because a bear will tear you in half. Bears are human-hunters... terrifying, hungry beasts that won't rest until they've licked your bones clean'.

'But enough about that, Billy, it's bedtime... do you want a story?'


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 23/10

It was on this day in 1993 that something happened that caused men around the world to simultaneously go 'Oh my dear God, No!!!' It was the day that Lorena Bobbitt, sick of being abused, cut off her husband's penis while he slept. She drove away, and threw the severed penis into a field. Police found it, packed it in ice, and it was re-attached to John Bobbitt.

It was an international story, and quickly became fodder for every comedian in the country.

Many people thought it stood as the ultimate revenge for a battered woman, and there was a feeling of empowerment for some. Many men started hiding their kitchen knives. As for John Bobbitt, he went on to try several careers. He started a band called 'The Severed Parts'... I'm not kidding... and then he did some porn movies and even became a minister of the Universal Life Church in Las Vegas.

Lorena was found not guilty due to insanity, and is now re-married with kids.

But 17 years later, I think we've lost sight of the real victim in all this.. and that's the poor cop who had to retrieve the penis in the field.


Monday, June 21, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 21/10

I want to talk this morning about one of the best comedians this country ever produced. His name is Irwin Barker. Irwin was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer more than 3 years ago, and given a year to live.  He beat those odds, but sadly he passed away this morning. He was a writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes and the Rick Mercer Report, and was a national touring headliner. When I started doing comedy more than 10 years ago in Vancouver, Irwin was one of the few 'heavy hitters' who took the time to be friendly to me and give me advice. In fact, the first road gig I ever did was opening for him in Kelowna.

Irwin's comedy was clever, sharp and unmatched anywhere... He was one of the best joke writers in the business and a class act. He could talk for 15 minutes about his love for raisins and have people pissing themselves laughing. And although he very rarely swore, when he did it was the funniest thing ever. He had an unbelievable amount of material, so many hilarious one liners.

He'd say something like 'I bought a book called 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff', and on the way home I spilled coffee on it.... DAMN I hate when that happens'.

After he got diagnosed, Irwin Barker was very public about his fight with cancer, and the CBC did an amazing documentary about him called 'That's My Time'. He toured the country doing shows to raise money to fight the disease, all the time battling it himself.

So I just wanted to say... Irwin, you were deeply loved by every comic I know, and I know wherever you are now, it is a funnier place.


Friday, June 18, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 18/10

Happy Birthday to Sir Paul McCartney, who turns 68 years old today. I've talked alot in the past about how great the Beatles are, so I won't bore you with that again. Paul McCartney is an interesting specimen. He is by far the most successful Beatle, still selling out huge stadiums, 40 years after the band broke up. It makes you wonder what John Lennon would be doing these days, if he was still alive. George Harrison, who died in 2001, was always my favourite Beatle. He was the 'quiet one', very spiritual, very low key, and with a wicked sense of humour. Ringo is still kicking around, but hasn't really done much. Paul McCartney, on the other hand, loves the spotlight. There's no denying his talent, and I still would like to see a Paul McCartney concert one day. But he's the one who has cashed in the most from the Beatles' legacy, both financially and personally. He's made some questionable business decisions in his time, when it comes to the Beatles' catalogue. It's really too bad that Lennon's not around anymore to keep the integrity in check. But, nonetheless, happy birthday Paul.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 17/10

I was driving around yesterday, and I happened to drive down Pandora Avenue, between Cook and Quadra. And my God, has it ever gotten bad down there. There were dozens of people hanging around... some were sleeping, others looked like they were making drug deals, and some guy was yelling at a girl. And then I saw a woman shooting up into her leg. What is going on down there? This is supposed to be Victoria, not the Vancouver Downtown Eastside. I remember when 'Our Place' first opened up about two years ago... I was at the opening, working as a reporter for the Q. They promised that their presence would not change the face of the neighbourhood.

How wrong they were.

It's like a war zone down there now. I would never, ever walk with my son through that. I feel really bad for the people who live in apartments around there, and especially the people who are trying to run a business down there. I guess the police probably like it, because it keeps most of the problems in one area, but man. I've heard one of the problems is that Our Place is only open from 7am til 5pm, but then why are there so many people out on the street during that time? Something needs to get done.

That area of downtown is quickly becoming Victoria's ghetto.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 16/10

So. a Manitoba review panel has decided the man who beheaded a passenger on a Greyhound bus two years ago should be allowed to take short, supervised walks around the mental facility he's in. They say this will give them an idea as to whether he might be ready to be re-integrated into society. I say, um... no. What does it take to keep these people locked up? I'm not sure exactly how the rules should be laid out, but I don't know... maybe if you CUT A STRANGER'S HEAD OFF, you should not be wandering around my neighbourhood. I'm all about giving people second chances, but sometimes you only get one chance. Like if you kill a total stranger for no reason, that would be an example.

No second chance.

I don't care how mentally ill you are. If it's so easy for someone like that to get better, then it's just as easy for them to snap again. It blows my mind that we're even close to releasing a guy who CUT SOMEONE'S HEAD OFF!!!!!!


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 15/10

You know, sometimes I seriously consider packing it all in, selling my stuff and moving my family to a communal farm in Europe somewhere. I feel real guilt sometimes about living in a society that favors consumption and waste over growth and conservation. A society where greed is rewarded and violence and humiliation is considered entertainment. I turn on the TV and all I see is plastic people doing plastic things, and then I walk outside and I see people trying to emulate that behaviour, because they think that is normal.

Well, it's not.

Mankind was meant to evolve... but we are de-evolving. We should be dancing naked in the garden of eden, and exploring the universe together. But instead we're killing the planet and we've become slaves to corporations who have convinced us we need more more more. I see people driving giant trucks, throwing their fast food wrappers on the highway, as they speed towards the shopping mall to buy another cellphone. This is not how it was supposed to be. Sometimes I really feel like giving up on the human race, and just saying 'Wake me when its over'.


Monday, June 14, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 14/10

In 1951, ``Univac,'' the world's first commercial computer, was unveiled. Boy, have we ever come a long way. 'Univac' stood for 'UNIVersal Automatic Computer' The UNIVAC I used 5,200 vacuum tubes, weighed 13 metric tons, consumed 125 kW, and could perform about 1,905 operations per second running on a 2.25 MHz clock. The complete system occupied more than 35.5 m² of floor space. Unbelievable. The first computer I ever remember seeing was the Commodore VIC-20. That was the first compuer to sell more than a million units. It came with 5 KB of RAM. Five. Kilo. Bytes. It was soon surpassed by the Commodore 64, which had, you guessed it... 64 kilobytes of RAM. My wife and I recently bought a new i-Mac. It has 8 gigabytes of RAM. The first computer, the UNIVAC, would take up our entire house. Now our computer, which takes up the space of a few books, can do the job of about a million UNIVACS.

What a world.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 10/10

I just want to say welcome to Victoria to the thousands of sailors from all over the world who have landed on our shores. And of course, a salute to our Canadian navy, for celebrating their centennial.

Here are a few cool facts about our navy...

The Canadian Navy came into existence on May 4, 1910, when the Naval Service Act became law. Permission to add the prefix 'Royal' was granted by King George V in 1911. When the Second World War broke out, Canada had just 13 vessels: six destroyers four minesweepers, and three auxiliaries. By the end of the Second World War, the Royal Canadian Navy had grown to become one of the largest Allied navies with 434 commissioned vessels including cruisers, destroyers, frigates, corvettes and auxiliaries. Cadets attending the Royal Canadian Naval College at HMCS Royal Roads in Victoria, British Columbia, faced a mandatory plunge in the frigid ocean each morning. Up until the late 60's, women were forced to leave the service when they got married, and when they got pregnant until the mid-1970s.

We've come a long way since then... so, if you get a chance this weekend, head down to some of the celebrations happening around town for the Pacific Fleet Review and say thanks to a sailor.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 08/10

So, it looks like the anti-HST people are humming along quite nicely. They've got 15-percent of registered voters signed up in nearly all the ridings in BC. I've finally been noticing them around town alot more lately. They were set up outside the Save-On Foods Centre for the ZZ Top concert the other night. I hope they keep getting signatures right up until the deadline, in about a month. It will really be interesting to see what the provincial government does. Because, really, they don't have to do anything. But it seems to me if 15+ percent of registered voters sign the petition, it would be very foolish for the Liberals to ignore it.

It sure would be nice for once, to see the efforts of the people conquer the intentions of the government.


Monday, June 7, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 07/10

There seems to be an awful lot of stabbings happening in our province lately. And alot of them involve young people. A girl was stabbed to death at a house part in Vancouver last month, then last week another teenage girl was killed at a party in Peachland. And then that 15-year old boy was stabbed to death on Douglas street on Thursday night.

That one is the most disturbing of all.

It looks like the culprit is a 39-year old man with mental health issues. And although the details are still coming out, it looks to be quite random. This is the kind of news story that really sends chills up your spine. And it makes you realize how precious life is. If, indeed, this poor kid was just waiting for the bus, and some guy who was having an 'episode' decided to kill him... well, that's about the scariest thing in the world. I mean, it was 8 o'clock at night, not the time you're usually ultra-aware of the people around you... not like 3 in the morning or something. My heart truly goes out to this young boy's family... it must be so hard to accept something like this, when there just isn't an explanation. We need better services for people with mental illness, but horrible things like this will still unfortunately happen.

Maybe just give your loved ones an extra long hug tonight.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 03/10

Okay, I've been putting this off for awhile, but it's self-promotion time. About three months ago, I got an email from this guy Sean, who owns IT Groove, a web company here in Victoria. He said he was a fan of the morning show, and he had seen me do comedy a couple times, but he couldn't find much about me online. He asked if I was interested in getting my own website. It's something I've been thinking about doing for years, but never got around to. So, now I have my own website. It's at www.jasonlamb.ca and I think you should give it a gander. There's some video clips of my comedy, some photos, and a link to my 'Wrath of Lamb' blog, and other stuff. It's a work in progress, and there will be much more stuff on there in the future. I can't thank Sean and Darren at IT Groove enough, they really helped me with this thing, and were very patient with my endless questions and ineptitude. So, go to jasonlamb.ca... it's the new Facebook.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 02/10

Gary Coleman's family are trying to decide whether to hold a public or a private memorial service for him this weekend. He's the former child star who died last Friday after a brain hemorrhage. I have found myself strangely sad over his death. I think it's because he led such a tragic life, but one with so much potential. He was born with a congenital kidney disease, that kept him from growing at a normal rate. This is why he looked like a cute little kid, even into his adulthood. He was adopted at birth, and then became a huge child star in the very successful show 'Different Strokes'. He made millions, but his parents squandered it all. He ended up working as a security guard on film lots, and was the butt of many jokes along the way.

The man battled health problems all his life, and never got past his image as cute little Arnold Jackson. He became a tragic figure. In his prime, Gary Coleman was actually a really good comic actor, and I know he played a big part in my childhood, and other people my age. In fact, I have an autographed photo of him from 1981 somewhere. I should dig that up and keep it somewhere safe.

So, rest in peace, Gary Coleman. You deserved better.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Wrath of Lamb June 01/10

If you have ever bought canned corned beef, you will have noticed something weird. For some reason, it comes with a little key that you need to open the can. It's the same with Spam or Spork. Why is canned meat the only thing that requires a key? And you can't use a regular can opener on it, because they make the can a square shape. So, why a key? Why does corned beef need a key? It's like you need some special privilege to enter the kingdom of processed meat. And sometimes, if you're not paying attention in the grocery store, you'll get a can that is missing the key. That is the worst. It's like buying Kraft Dinner with no cheese powder. It's useless. You can bash it, stab it, pry it, doesn't matter. You're not getting that corned beef-y goodness without a key. That's why I save my corned beef keys. I have them in a drawer, in case I come home with a keyless can. Because, God knows, I need my canned meat.


Friday, May 28, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 28/10

It's time I chimed in about that huge oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. I don't really know what to say, because the disaster is so massive and so destructive it boggles the mind. It's been more than five weeks, and still the oil is continuing to pump into the ocean. About 25-thousand barrels a day.

It is now officially the worst oil spill in US history.

Dylan and I spoke about this yesterday, and he was angry that more people aren't concerned about this. I think it's because everyone feels powerless to do anything about it. But we had a caller who made a good point. She said we can all do our part to lessen our reliance on oil. Carpool... ride your bike... buy a hybrid car... don't buy stuff you don't need... just be conscious every day about how much you consume. Because oil plays a part in everything you do. From the trucks that ship your new clothes across the country, to the plastic forks you throw away at the cafeteria. Imagine if everyone... EVERYONE... made an effort.

It would actually make a difference. Believe me.

Meanwhile, if it were up to me, the executives at BP would be required by law to spend the next two years of their lives cleaning oil off birds and scrubbing turtles.


Thursday, May 27, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 27/10



I read an interesting piece of history this morning. It was on this day in 1790, the laziest man in the world went to bed and stayed there for 70 years. His name was Jeremiah Carlton, of England. He was 19 and the heir to a large fortune... he climbed into bed, thinking he would never have to work again in his life. More than 40 servants fed and bathed him until he died in bed at age 89.

I have never been more jealous of someone in my life.

As the father of a two-year old and a guy who gets up at 4am every morning for work, sleep is the one thing I cherish more than anything. I have actually got napping down to a real science now. I can doze off for 15 minutes at a time... and in the most uncomfortable positions. So, I say hats off to Jeremiah Carlton. The guy was like 'I've got a huge inheritance, I never have to work another day in my life... I'm going to bed'

70 years... Man, Jeremiah, you were one lucky S-O-B.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 26/10



There's been quite a bit of backlash lately for Facebook, when it comes to its privacy settings, so now the social networking site is tightening up its controls and admitting it made some mistakes. And truthfully, it is a little scary some of the stuff they've been trying to pull lately. But, it all comes down to one thing... Be careful what you post on the internet, because it's there forever.

Forever.

Everybody that signed up for Facebook knew they were signing up on a free service, run by people they don't know. Ever since this whole internet thing became popular, there have been thousands of stories of people's private lives being exposed to the world. And usually, it's their own fault. If you don't want to lose your job, don't post rants about how much you hate your boss. If you don't want your marriage to dissolve, don't post pictures of you licking whipped cream off that cocktail waitress.

It's pretty simple.

I don't like the idea of Facebook sharing my information with third party sites either, but I like Facebook enough to stay on it... for now. But we all know something bigger and better will come along soon enough. Facebook will become obsolete, just like all the others. Remember MSN Messenger? Myspace? ICQ? Until then, I will continue to use Facebook to network with friends, share thoughts and ideas, and keep up with the pointless everyday ramblings of people I barely know and don't care about.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 25/10

I'm pretty excited about Public Enemy coming to Victoria this Friday, and I think you should be too. These guys were true pioneers of the hip hop genre, and they were among the first groups to put rap music on the map, along with the Beastie Boys, RUN DMC, NWA and Boogie Down Productions. Public Enemy's first album was called 'Yo! Bum Rush the Show', but it was their second album, 'It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold us Back' that really propelled them into the spotlight. They've been putting out albums ever since, but their influence and their relevance has faded somewhat over the years. And the fact the their flamboyant sideman Flava Flav did that awful reality show, unfortunately tainted their hard-edged image somewhat.

But the fact remains that Chuck D is one of the best rappers alive, and Public Enemy put on one hell of a show. Amazingly, there's still tickets left for this Friday, and the fact they haven't played in this neck of the woods in 13 years leads me to believe they may not be back again anytime soon. So if you are a fan of hip hop and you want to experience where it all came from, I urge you to check out Public Enemy this Friday.


Friday, May 21, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 21/10

I'd like to put out another call for people to sponsor me for this year's Great Strides walk, happening at Royal Roads University on May 30th. The walk is to raise money for research into a cure for Cystic Fibrosis, a terrible and fatal genetic lung disease. I'm doing the walk for my friend Paul, who has had the disease all his life. He wasn't expected to live past his late teens, but he turned 40 last year.
But he is the exception to the rule. Paul firmly believes they are close to a cure, and he may see it in his lifetime. I hope he's right. As a father, I can't imagine my son being diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, and then knowing every day was borrowed time. I received an email from the CF Foundation, about a 2-1/2 year old girl named Ella who has CF.

Since she was born, she's spent 70 days in the hospital, had 4 operations, 18 chest x-rays. she's sat through 1300 hours of chest x-rays and inhalations, and swallowed more than 23-thousand pills.

Two and half years old.

So, please sponsor me on this walk, so more little kids don't have to go through this. Go to www.cysticfibrosis.ca , click on the Great Strides logo, then sponsor a walker. Search my name and give what you can. Thanks!


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 19/10

There was a bit of a brou-ha-ha at U-Vic this week, when some rabbit lovers got in the way of folks trying to trap and euthanize the bunnies. We all know the story by now... there are thousands of rabbits on the university grounds, and after several attempts to get rid of them humanely, it was decided that culling them is the best option.You see, bunnies can wreak havoc on the grounds, destroying landscaping and even causing problems with the foundations of buildings there. Now, I am an animal lover. And I love rabbits. But the unfortunate truth is, these animals are a problem.

They are not natural inhabitants of the area. They are the descendents of pet bunnies that people have dropped off there over the years. And they breed like, well, rabbits. To the animal activists who are disrupting the trapping process, I say this: If these animals were not cute little furry bunnies, would this be an issue at all?

What if they were rats?

Because that's basically what they have become. Rats disguised as Thumper. Would you be so quick to release a rat from a trap, or scoop up an armful of rats and offer to take them home? I don't think so. So, let's all suck it up, and realize the rabbits have to go. Just because they're cute, doesn't mean they're not dangerous to our health. Just ask Justin Bieber.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 18/10

So, I'm back from a 3-day trip to Las Vegas with 8 buddies. We had a great time... if you've never been to Vegas, it is really quite mind blowing. I noticed something interesting when I was down there. There are literally thousands and thousands of people in the streets, nearly all of them drinking. You can drink anywhere in Vegas, and you can do it 24-hours a day. Some people walk around with these giant plastic contraptions, 4 feet tall, filled with beer or margaritas or whatever. And despite all this, I never saw one fight, and very few real drunken idiots.

Much different than any typical weekend night in downtown Victoria.

I think it's because when you give people complete freedom, there's a certain amount of self-policing that takes place. People pace themselves and behave, because there's no sense of hurry or rebelliousness, because there are no rules to break. I'm not saying Victoria should allow the same kind of debauchery as Vegas, but there's something to be said for allowing grown adults to do what they want.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 12/10


A big thanks to the Vancouver Canucks for a great season, and a fun playoff run. Playoff hockey is always really exciting to watch, and when your home team is in the mix, it makes it that much better. I am the furthest thing from a die-hard hockey fan, but I always try to watch the Canucks in the playoffs, and for the past, oh, I don't know... fifteen years or so, I've noticed one thing. It doesn't seem to matter who's on the team, or who the coach is, the Canucks never just play in the playoffs and then lose... they always seem to completely fall apart at the end, when it really counts.

Last night was a perfect example of this.

You could actually see the team unravelling... it started about halfway thru the first period. Every Canuck fan in BC was like 'Oh no, here we go again'. But I still say, thanks for the great hockey... Hey, there's lots of cities that didn't even get into the playoffs.

So now, life returns to normal.

No more comedy shows being pushed back two hours, no more honking in the streets, and my neighbour will have to put away his airhorn for another season. Time to hit the links, boys!


Monday, May 10, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 10/10

Happy 50th birthday to Bono. He, of course, is the lead singer of U2, arguably the biggest rock band in the world. I know not everybody is a fan of U2, but there is no denying the influence these guys have had on rock-n-roll in the past 25 years or so. And although Bono can come across as a little hokey sometimes, you gotta give him credit for all the work he has done, trying to bring awareness to third world debt and AIDS and just about every other cause on the planet.

Bono was born Paul Hewson in Dublin, Ireland, and formed U2 in 1976, as a punk band. Their first album, 'October' was released in 1981. I have a very clear memory of walking home from school in 1983, and I ran into this guy Mike, who was the older brother of a girl in my class. He was carrying a vinyl copy of 'War' and I asked him what it was. He said 'This is a band called U2.... and believe me, these guys are gonna be really huge one day'.

How right he was.So, happy 50th birthday, Bono. Thanks for the tunes.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 07/10

It was on this day back in 1824 that Ludwig Van Beethoven premiered his 'Ninth Symphony' in Vienna. It is also the birthdays of both Johann Brahms and Peter Illyich Tchaikovsky. I know we're a modern rock station, but believe me when I say classical music was the original rock n roll. If you've never really been into classical music, because you assume it's for old people, or it's boring or whatever, I sincerely urge you to take a closer look and listen. If you stick Beethoven's Ninth Symphony on headphones and sit back and relax, you'll be amazed at how powerful and unbelieveable this music is.

It will take you on an emotional and spiritual ride.

And this is music that was written nearly 200 years ago. I listen to classical music whenever I'm trying to get into a creative place... usualy when I'm writing, and it works every time. So go out and explore the world of classical music... Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Chopin, Bach, Handel... they're all so great.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 06/10

You ever have someone do something nice for you, and you say something like... 'Hey, I really appreciate what you did for me there'. And they say 'No problem, man... it was the least I could do.'

Oh... great... thanks.

Thanks for doing the LEAST you could do. Thanks for bringing your 'A' game. Maybe next time, you could do, I don't know... maybe the medium thing you could do. Why even admit you're doing the least you could do?

"Oh, man, I heard your apartment was flooded, so I brought you a teaspoon... It was the least I could do."

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Wrath of Lamb May 05/10

It was pretty amazing to see our city come together yesterday, to celebrate the men and women who serve in the Royal Canadian Navy. Thousands of people were downtown to watch the Freedom of the City parade, and there was a lot of hugging and cheering. There were also a few tears, when a moment of silence was observed for Petty Officer Craig Blake, a sailor who was killed in Afghanistan by a roadside bomb. Some would call that terrible timing for such a day, but I disagree. I think it's important that we never lose sight of what our military does for us. It's not just about parades and statues. These men and women are giving their lives to serve their country and to keep us protected and safe. And for that we all owe them a huge thanks.