Friday, July 30, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 30/10

I don't usually like getting emails with dumb riddles or jokes, or lists and stuff, but I got one awhile ago that I thought was kinda interesting. It was about the hardest English word for people who are learning our language to grasp the meaning of.

The word is 'Up'.

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or the opposite of down, but in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, why is someone UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we brighten UP a room, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen... then lock UP the house. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. 

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! In a regular dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, think UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

I'll wrap it UP...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 29/10

So, I got a little upset yesterday when Dylan said he had never heard of Ansel Adams. He's a famous American photographer who took alot of black and white pictures of nature, back in the day. I thought it was ridiculous that someone wouldn't know who Ansel Adams was. Well, we went around the station here and did a poll, and it turns out Dylan's not alone.

Of the 21 people we asked, 5 knew who Ansel Adams was, and 16 had no idea. Wow. So, I conceded defeat to Dylan, like the big man that I am. But it still bothers me that so many people are clueless to cultural history.

I bet more people could name three Lady Gaga songs, than three famous Renaissance painters. People watch Big Brother without any idea who George Orwell is. And they think Fellini is a type of pasta.

Maybe this is the old guy in me talking, but what are we teaching the kids in school these days?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 28/10

So, this weekend is the BC Day long weekend. A lot of people will be camping, or bar-b-queing with some beers in their backyard, soaking up the sunshine and enjoying the holiday. I think everyone should take a moment to really reflect on just how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful and interesting part of the world. There are about 4-million people living in BC, most of them on the southwest coast. We are home to rainforests, deserts, world class skiing, fishing, mountain climbing, surfing and hundreds of amazing lakes, rivers and streams.

The best marijuana in the world is grown in BC, and some of the best wine is produced here too. We have more than our share of mythical beasts... including the Ogopogo lake monster, the Cadboro-saurus and Bigfoot.... this might be closely linked to the fact that we grow the best marijuana in the world.

We are home to more than 40 different ethnic groups, speaking more than 30 languages. So, be proud to live in such a beautiful and diverse place. Trust me, when people visit here from other parts of the world, they are completely blown away that somewhere like this even exists. So, make a toast to BC this weekend and be proud to be a British Columbian.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 26/10

Today is Mick Jagger's birthday. The man is 67 years old. I know this is a modern rock station, but it's important to remember where the roots of rock n roll came from. And the Rolling Stones are most definitely a major influence on a lot of what you hear today. If you're one of the uninitiated, it's important to know that the Stones are much much more than 'Satisfaction' and 'Start Me Up'. Over the past 45 years or so, the band has released more than two dozen studio albums, 90 singles and many live and bootleg albums. Let's be honest, nothing past about 1982 is worth listening to, but if you delve deep into their older work, you'll find they produced some really amazing music back in the day. I suggest you check out a couple different albums. 'Exile on Main Street' is a classic, down and dirty rock album, while 'Some Girls' is just awesome from start to finish. And the song 'Memory Motel' off the Black and Blue album is one of the best songs ever recorded in my opinion. So, happy birthday Mick Jagger... you're one of the biggies.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 23/10

The Tour De France finishes on Sunday, and I just wanted to say Go Ryder Go. Ryder Hesjedal is 8th place overall right now, and continues to gain ground every stage of the race. He has quickly turned into a Canadian sports hero, and he's from right here in beautiful Victoria. He's on his way to delivering the best performance by a Canadian at the Tour since 1988, when Steve Bauer finished fourth overall.

Pretty impressive. It's pretty amazing the talent that has come from our sleepy little Island town. We produced Steve Nash, one of the best basketball players in the world. And constantly see world class musicians, actors and artists coming out of our city. Nelly Furtado, Hot Hot Heat, Atom Egoyan, David Foster, Emily Carr... the list goes on. Must be something in the water.

So, I encourage everyone to cheer on Ryder Hesjedal this weekend as he makes his way to the finish line at the Tour De France. Another amazing Victorian.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 22/10

I want to talk about the double rainbow guy. Most of you have probably seen the video by now... it's shot by a crazy hippie guy who sees a double rainbow while he's camping at Yosemite Park in the US. He is more than just a little excited about the whole thing... This guy is REALLY into the double rainbow, he even starts crying and keeps saying 'What does this MEAN??!!!', like it's some message of good fortune from God or something.

It seems like maybe this guy is enjoying some organic alternative reality. And by that, I mean the dude is completely blasted on muggers. But this video has gone seriously viral... at last count there were about six and a half million views. There's even parodies and songs popping up...

The enthusiastic guy who shot the video is Paul Vasquez, also known as 'Hungry Bear'. He's been on talk shows, he's become an internet superstar, he's hired an agent, and he has his own website now where you can buy double rainbow merchandise. This crazy hippie guy from California has become rich and famous...

And you know what?

THAT'S what the double rainbow meant!


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 21/10

There's a story this morning about a guy who's been arrested for hanging out and pleasuring himself at children's playgrounds and parks around Victoria and Saanich. The cops have been watching this guy for a long time and finally arrested him, in the act, on July 15th. He was doing his thing at Beacon Hill Park, Mount Doug Park, watching naked children in the change room at Commonwealth Pool, and who knows where else. Any parents out there listening know just how frightening and disgusting this story is... the first thought is, I wonder if he was ever watching my kid?

His name is Jack Thomas Ambler, and he's 51 years old.

Now, what bothers me the most about this story is that the police are not releasing his picture, because they don't think he poses a threat. What? I think we deserve to see what this scumbag looks like, so we can have a chance at protecting our children. Not a threat? Are you kidding me? What, then, exactly, would be considered a threat? How do his rights supercede those of little kids?

So here's what we know... Once again... his name is Jack Thomas Ambler, 51 years old. He's a white guy, six feet tall and 200 pounds with brown hair and green eyes and driving a 1996 blue, four-door Plymouth Breeze. You should memorize that information, because he's free now, and if he goes to jail, I guarantee it won't be for long... and in my opinion he is most definitely a threat.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 20/10

I'm going to tell you a story that I'm not proud of... it's really horrible but possibly entertaining as well. Most grocery stores have points-card programs... like Safeway... they've got great selection and prices, but you save a significant amount if you have a Safeway Club card number... like 10-15 percent. About 8 years ago, when I was living in Vancouver, I was talking to a comedian friend of mine about how I didn't have a Safeway Club card. He told me his roommate has one, so next time I'm at Safeway, I should just use his phone number, and get the discount.

So I did... and I kept doing it, because it was easier than going through the trouble of getting a card. Now, when your receipt prints up, the card member name appears on the bottom, and the checkout people are required to address you by name. So, I would always get 'Thank you, Mr. Clark...'  I would smile and sheepishly take my groceries.

Now, about 4 years ago, tragically, my friend's roommate killed himself. Shortly afterwards, I found myself at Safeway... and out of habit I gave my friend's number. 'Thanks, Mr. Clark....' It was unnerving. But I've continued to use it, and so does my wife. She's Mrs. Clark. My comic friend also still uses the number of his dead roommate's account. I like to think we're keeping his memory alive. Now, I know some of you might be horrified by this, and you're probably right. But it's not like I'm stealing from a dead person.

On the contrary... he's racking up some serious points.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 19/10

So, on the weekend my buddy Dave was taking his nephew out to buy him a birthday present, and he asked if me and my little boy wanted to join them. So we went to this place called the "Build a Bear Workshop'. It's a really cool concept... you pick out a bear you like, then you build it, with the help of the staff. So, they have all these unstuffed animals in bins, all different prices... I felt like I would be a bad father if I didn't get one for Martin, so I steered him towards the cheap section, and he picked out a furry brown rabbit.

Then the nightmare truly began.

A very pleasant young woman took our rabbit to this stuffing machine, and then rammed a large metal tube up its backside. She had Martin step on a pedal that shot wads of stuffing inside his rabbit. Then she made him close his eyes, make a wish and jump three times, while she sewed up the back of the rabbit like a surgeon. Then it was bath time... we took the rabbit to this table where she proceeded to blow dry the rabbit and brush it... then she pulled out a pair of scissors and snipped the excess thread from the rabbit's back... this was traumatizing for both Martin and myself. Then she took us to a giant wall full of clothing and accessories... everything you could imagine... she asked if I wanted to buy an outfit, and realizing this could get very expensive, I declined. She said 'Oh, you're just going out with a bare rabbit? No clothes? What if it gets cold?' Lady, it's a piece of stuffed cloth. I was starting to believe she really thought she had created life or something.

Then, we had to name the rabbit and print out a birth certificate, and register it in case we lost it. Finally, it came time to pay, and the man behind the counter was most enthusiastic. He told me when I got home, to take an online survey about my experience and be entered to win some prize. He actually said "Tell us about what a Bear-tastic time you had... thank you and have a Fur-bulous day".

I think next time I'll do it the old-fashioned way... buy a bear and walk out of the store.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 16/10

I really hope they find that elderly Alberta couple alive and well. But, unfortunatley, it feels like this is gonna have a tragic ending. And, once again, I've been reading about how the RCMP have bungled this case since the beginning. They found the couple's burned-out camper on July 5th, but didn't start looking for them until five days later. What? You would think if you found a large, expensive motorhome that is burned to the ground, your first question might be... 'Gee, I wonder where the owner is?'


And then, last week, someone in Prince George spotted the couple's SUV, even copied the plate number and everything. They went to the RCMP detachment on Tuesday and they say they were shooed away, the cops not interested in their information. Didn't take their names, phone number, nothing. Now the RCMP wants to talk to them again, because they believe the vehicle IS in Prince George. So, once again I really hope this story has a happy ending, but if it doesn't, then once again the RCMP have alot of explaining to do.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 15/10

So, the city of Victoria is considering a bylaw that will prohibit anyone under the age of 18 from using tanning beds. I think this is a good thing. Over the last few decades, there has been alot of awareness about the dangers of tanning, and the skin cancers that can be caused by exposure to UV rays. And protecting young people from things that can hurt them is what society is all about. That's why there are legal age limits for smoking, drinking, gambling, and driving.

Tanning beds are dangerous if they are abused.

It's like telling a young person they shouldn't smoke, but then allowing them to lie in a large tube that pumps smoke directly into them. I guess the bigger picture here, is we need to change the way young people see themselves. Because a big part of this is the peer pressure that goes along with trying to look like the people in magazines. We need to change the perception that tanned equals healthy and attractive. And when we do, I'll finally be able to take my shirt off at the beach.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 14/10

There's a story this week, about the police receiving a bunch of complaints about an alarm company that is going door-to-door looking for business. They are really aggressive, and use heavy-handed tactics to pressure people, including refusing to leave when asked to. In fact, one of these boneheads came by my house and bothered my wife the other day. First of all, who conducts business door-to-door these days?

What is this, the fifties??!

I can't stand high-pressure sales people, and when they come to your door, it's even worse. So I give to you... three things you can do to get these people to leave.

Number 1: After their spiel, just say... 'I'm definitely interested in your alarm services, but first, let me tell you about Jesus'.

Number 2: Say 'Do you mind coming back tomorrow? I'm a little busy... today is the day I clean my guns'.

And number 3: Invite them in, and as they enter, start rubbing your crotch vigorously, with a big smile on your face... then shout to the back of your house... 'I gots another one, Jeb! Get the oil ready!!!'.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 13/10

Today is the 25th anniversary of Live Aid. It was a huge huge deal. Two concerts, one in London and one in Philadelphia, all to raise money for starving children in Africa. 61 acts performed on this day, and about a billion and a half people watched. It was all organized by a burnt-out old punk rocker by the name of Bob Geldof... he ended up getting knighted and nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. The line-up was unlike anything seen before... a reunited Who, a reunited Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Queen, U2, INXS, RUN DMC, Madonna, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney... the list goes on and on.

In the end, they raised about 150-million dollars for famine relief, but more importantly, they opened up the eyes of the world to what was happening in Africa. The next time you have a rainy afternoon to kill, I recommend you pick up the Live Aid DVD. There are some pretty cheesy 80's styles and pretty cheesy 80's moments, but there are also some unbelievable performances on there too.

It's worth it just for David Bowie and Neil Young.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 12/10

Dear Mother Nature:

Hi there, it's me again... Jason Lamb. Just writing to say thank you for making today so windy and cloudy and cold... because God knows five days is more than enough summer. It's good, because I really didn't have any plans to take my family outdoors this summer, we'd much prefer to stay inside and watch TV or play Scrabble by the fire. I like having to bundle up to visit the beach. And the grey skies and wind and rain remind me how lucky we are to pay half a million dollars for a 800 square foot bungalow. I appreciate that you are protecting me from skin cancer by not allowing my body to get exposed to harmful UV rays... or any rays for that matter. I enjoy having a transluscent hue to my skin. It's great that I don't have to bring out my sunglasses at all, that just means they'll last longer... same with my bar-b-que and my frisbee. So, thanks Mother Nature, five days was plenty summer for me.

And in case you couldn't tell, I'm being SARCASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 09/10

The Calgary Stampede kicks off today, with a big parade, before a beer-fuelled weekend of wannabe cowboys acting like jackasses descends on that wannabe American city. This year, there is a big push from some animal rights groups who want to stop certain parts of the rodeo, like the calf-roping event. For me, the Calgary Stampede is a nice family festival, that is built around a barbaric and brutal display of animal cruelty and ridiculous macho muscle flexing. In the last 20 years, more than 30 horses have died during the Stampede, and who knows how many cows.

Have you seen the bull-riding?

Wow, what athletes. The reason the bull is bucking like that, is because they tie his testicles way back between his haunches. He flails around like that because he's in extreme pain and discomfort, and he can't figure out how to stop it. Real nice. And the calf-roping event? These are baby cows. Babies. They get a rope thrown around their neck, yanked violently to the ground, then tackled and their legs tied up.

Real manly.

Perhaps if these rodeo clowns were to endure the same treatment themselves they'd think twice about how they treat these animals. Hell, I'd buy a ticket for that. Of course, you always hear 'Well... gol-dang y'all, this is a tradition... my pappy did it and his pappy, and his pappy before that.' Well, Your great grand pappy also had other traditions, like salvery, not allowing women to vote, and beating children with reeds at school. Those traditions are dead, and I think it's time this one joined them. It's called evolution.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 08/10

So, we're hanging out in an ice cream truck this morning, and that's got me thinking about cold treats. I don't think there's a Canadian out there who doesn't have fond memories of Freezies and popsicles in the summertime. I've always been partial to the dark purple Freezies myself... I guess they're grape flavour. There's nothing better than when the bottom part gets all melted and you tip your head way back and squeeze that sugary liquid goodness into your gullet, as the sharp plastic sides of the Freezie cut into the sides of your mouth. I love popsicles, too. Orange is the classic, and always a favourite. I tried a banana one a couple weeks ago that was awesome.

But here's a question: Whatever happened to rootbeer popsicles?

They were, by far, the best popsicles ever made. But over the years they've become harder to find than Bin Laden. Once in a blue moon I'll see one at a store, and it's like I'm 9 years old again. I'll buy all the rootbeer popsicles they have, only to never see one again for years. You can get rootbeer Slurpees now, and they are delicious, but it's just not the same. So, I'm gonna get George here from Okee Dokee to help start a campaign to bring back the rootbeer popsicle.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 07/10

Sometimes being a news guy can be a little depressing. Every day, I have to read stories about death, destruction and misery. But now that I'm a father, some of these stories hit me a lot harder than they used to. I'm talking about stories that involve children. There are a few this week. The 12-year old boy up Island who was struck and killed by a train... the little four year old girl who is missing in Saskatchewan, and the funeral today of the girl who was murdered by her stepdad.

I don't mean to sound cheesy here, but children are as innocent as you can get, and they never deserve to get hurt, or to bear the brunt of the violence and reality of the adult world. As for the boy who was killed by the train... that was an accident, plain and simple, but I can't imagine how his father feels, and I hope he can recover from it. I hope they find the little girl in Saskatchewan, and I hope she'll be okay. As for the Abbotsford girl who was brutally killed by her mentally ill stepfather, well, I hope he goes away for a very long time. Meanwhile, I will hold my son close and wait for the next story to come along about some horrible thing happening to an innocent child....

Because they always do.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 06/10

One of my favourite things in life is when I get to experience something that I've never seen, that I'll probably never get to do again, and that very few people have gotten to do. Like when I took a ride in a blimp, when I got attacked by a police dog, or when Dylan and I got to tour that giant American aircraft carrier last month.

Well, yesterday I got to see something very unique. I was down at Gonzales beach with my wife and son, building sandcastles. I noticed there were an unusual number of jellyfish in the water, of all different sizes. I walked up the beach a bit and saw the biggest jellyfish I have ever seen, just a few feet offshore. It was about the size of a t-shirt, and it had orange and dark red plumes inside it. It was very cool.

A small crowd gathered and we were watching this thing, when all of a sudden a small clear disc popped out of a hole in the top. Then another one a few minutes later. We realized we were watching this big mama jellyfish giving birth to its babies. It was disgusting and beautiful at the same time. So, now I've seen a jellyfish give birth.

Scratch that one off the list.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 05/10

I wanted to give kudos to the Victoria Pride Society for putting on such a successful pride week. I didn't get to check out too many of the events.. I saw the big gay dog walk and stuff, but I missed the parade yesterday, which I heard was great. Not the best weather to be wearing nothing but glitter and tighty-whiteys, but still. When I was growing up, there was no gay pride parade. There was only one gay bar, and the whole scene was kept very underground.

It blows my mind that in this day and age there are still so many homophobic people out there. It's a very ignorant and selfish way to be, when you think about it. I hate YOU, because of the way YOU are. Why don't you look in the mirror and worry about your own damn self? Sometimes you'll hear someone say something like 'I have no problem with gay people, I just wish they weren't shoving it in my face all the time'.... Well, first of all, where are you hanging out exactly? In all my years, I've never had anyone shove gay in... my... face.

And secondly, if by in your face, you're referring to the once-a-year parade... well, it's a way of showing you they don't need to be ashamed of themselves. The fact that we still hear stories of gay people being attacked by packs of idiots is just sickening. Maybe one day they'll invent a pill that makes people intelligent, tolerant, open minded and aware that we are all in this together. Until that pill gets invented, a big thanks to folks like the Victoria Pride Society for doing their part to open our eyes.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Wrath of Lamb July 02/10

Well, I learned a valuable lesson on Wednesday night. You see, as you get older, you slowly come to grips with the fact that you can't do certain things anymore. On Wednesday, I learned that mosh pits and 39-year olds do not mix. I'm still a big fan of punk music, but I think the time has come for me to enjoy it from the sidelines, and not get right up into the action.

I saw Nomeansno at the Sugar nightclub, and it was great. But at some point I thought it would be a good idea to join the mosh pit on the floor. That decision was almost certainly fuelled by alcohol. Now, the pit was not a tightly-knit ball of people bouncing up and down together, it was one of those more open mosh pits where everyone has room to flail around madly. Unfortunately, there were a couple of real idiots in the crowd, who didn't understand the etiquette of slam dancing.

I was minding my own business, bouncing around like a pinball game, when I got completely barreled over by this guy... I went flying into the air and landed square on my back. Even in my haze, I could actually hear people gasp. Somebody pulled me up and asked if I was okay. The booze must have numbed the pain, because I went right back at it. But when I woke up yesterday, I could barely move, and I am still in an enormous amount of pain.

A sad day, to learn that perhaps I'm too old for mosh pits. And perhaps the most ironic thing... I woke up on the couch yesterday, wearing the Nomeansno shirt I had bought... and on the back it says' Old is the new young'. Ummm... no.