Wrath of Lamb April 30/10

Today is my 8th wedding anniversary. And Sunday will be 14 years since I met my beautiful wife Louise. I want to say 'Happy anniversary, honey. I love you.' This will probably come as surprise to most people, but I'm not always the easiest guy to live with. And for eight years now, my wife has stood by my side, through thick and thin. I've really put her through the ringer sometimes. But she always supports me and I can't thank her enough for it.

She is truly my best friend.

She's so incredibly beautiful, intelligent, talented and sweet. And with just the right amount of cynicism and f-you attitude to keep it interesting. She has given me the most amazing son in the world, and although life can get pretty hectic and stressful at times, she is always my rock. It's easy to lose sight sometimes of just how important the people you love are in your life, but I will try to never take my best friend for granted.

I love you, Weezy. Thank you for sticking it out with me. Happy anniversary.

Wrath of Lamb April 29/10

I'm kind of sad to hear that the Royal London Wax Museum is moving. The building needs a seismic upgrade, so they're gonna re-locate somewhere else in the city, and they say they won't return to their location on the Inner Harbour. Being a born and bred Victorian, the wax museum has always been a staple of the scenery down there. I've only been there a couple times, when I was a kid, because let's be honest, you've seen one wax museum, you've seen them all. I remember they used to have a house of torture in the basement, and it was unbelievably gory and disgusting. I loved it. It's like Undersea Gardens... does it serve a great purpose? No. But it's kind of comforting knowing it's there, you know?

When I was a kid, there were two other places on that block that are gone now. The Haunted House and Land of the Little People. The Haunted House was scary, and the Land of the Little People was stupid. It was like Miniature World, only outdoors, and way more low budget. So, I'm sad to see the wax museum go, and I just hope whatever goes in there is as cheezy and tourist trappy as the rest of the stuff around there.

Wrath of Lamb April 28/10

So, BC is set to introduce the toughest drunk driving laws in the country. If you're caught blowing over .08, or you refuse to give a breath sample, you will get an automatic, on-the-spot 90-day driving suspension and a fine of 500 dollars or more... If you blow between .05 and .08, you get a 3-day driving suspension and a 200 dollar fine. That's before you even go to court. You could also get your car impounded for a month and face criminal charges. Do I think this is a good thing?

Yes.... kind of.

Drinking and driving is stupid and deadly, we all know that. But I don't think I'm alone when I say there have been situations where I've had a beer or two over a couple hours and then driven home. I feel completely sober, but how do I know if I'm actually below .08? I'm all for stiffening the penalties, and making drunk driving a REALLY serious offense. In my many years doing comedy shows, I've seen people leave bars who could barely walk or talk, getting into their vehicles. But does someone who blows .09 because they had two glasses of wine with dinner deserve to lose their ability to drive for three months??

Maybe a little harsh.

Perhaps what they should do, is install breathalyzers in every establishment that serves alcohol, so everyone can check on their way out the door, and no one will have an excuse.

Wrath of Lamb April 27/10

There's a disturbing story in the news this morning, about an old man who was viciously assaulted in a subway station in Toronto. That's disturbing enough, but what is really disgusting, is that there were quite a few people around, and nobody did anything to stop it.

Nobody even pulled the emergency alarm.

This 79-year old guy was crying out for help, while two guys beat him up... and nobody did anything. Stories like this seem to come across every once in awhile, and it really makes you wonder. These days, everyone is in it for themselves, hustle hustle hustle, go go go. It's the age of selfishness and ego. But for God's sake, it is our responsiblity to come to aid of fellow human beings when they need it. Imagine for a minute the desperation and confusion going through that old man's mind, as he was being beaten, crying out for help, and watching a crowd of strangers standing around, doing nothing.

It's shameful.

Wrath of Lamb April 26/10

Income taxes are due this Friday, April 30th, and that reminds me of a story. You ever have a brilliant plan blow up in your face? When I was a much younger man, in my early twenties, there was no such thing as electronic filing and, so you had to actually fill out the forms, and send them off via snail mail.

There was also no such thing as 'Fast cash back' or anything like that. It took 6-8 weeks to process your tax return. Well, one year, I knew I was getting a refund, and I really needed the money... and quick. A friend of mine told me about something ingenius. He said 'what you do, is you fill out the French-language tax forms. Because even though it's federal, each province has it's own offices that process the returns. Because there are so few French people in BC, the French forms get done really fast, because there are staff on hand that only deal with the French ones'.

Brilliant!

I did my taxes, but because I don't speak or understand a single word of French, I transferred all the info over onto a French form. Bam! Two weeks later I got my refund. It worked! I couldn't believe it. I felt so smart. But then something started to happen. For the next year, every single piece of information that came to me from the government was in French. I didn't know if I was being drafted, or I was picked for jury duty or what. I had no idea what any of my mail was telling me.

I filled out my taxes in English after that.

Wrath of Lamb April 23/10

Facebook is getting a little sneaky. Yesterday, they started something without telling anybody, and it seems more than a little fishy. Under your privacy settings, there is now something under applications called 'instant personalization'. It seems a little complicated, but basically it allows your friends and others to share your information with some other websites... what they call 'partner sites'. These sites are: Docs.com, Yelp and Pandora. Never heard of any of them. By default, all Facebook users allow this to happen, so you have to go in there, disallow it and then individually block each application.

I love Facebook, but this is really shady.

They should have notified everybody about this up front. I miss the days of the Fun Wall and poking. Now it seems much more ominous, much more big brother.

Wrath of Lamb April 22/10

Avatar comes out on DVD today. So, it's official... I will probably never see it. I kind of wear it like a badge of honour... the punk rocker in me likes the fact that I've never seen the biggest movie ever made. I've also never seen Titanic. Both James Cameron movies. Weird. I actually kind of get off on watching people's reactions... 'You've never seen Titanic? You've never seen Avatar? What's wrong with you?' Listen, man, I don't have to watch something just cause everyone else has... I'm not bound by your RULES, man!

My wife has also never seen Titanic or Avatar, and I think that's one of the things that keeps our love so alive and strong.

I actually tried to see Avatar, shortly after it came out. I got to the theatre an hour before showtime, and it was sold out all night. That made we want to see it even less. So, James Cameron... once again you're not getting my twenty bucks! Ha! Take that. Hurts a bit, doesn't it?

Wrath of Lamb April 21/10

The BC government is throwing out two and a half million doses of unused swine flu vaccine, because it is expired. Wow... That whole H1N1 thing sure seems like it was a big joke now, doesn't it? Remember when people were standing in line for hours at clinics, only to get turned away, because they didn't have enough vaccine? I'll admit... I got sucked into the hype... I got my shot... I was convinced the swine flu was gonna be a huge deal... I mean, why would my government lie to me?

Well, they did.

I would love to see a very thorough investigation done, to see how much influence the drug companies had on feeding the global fear of the swine flu. Because it seems the drug companies and the hand sanitizer people are the ones who really benefitted from it all. The rest of us lost big time. We lost time out of our lives getting these stupid shots, we probably shaved a few minutes off our lifespan due to worry and stress, and now we have a multi-million dollar bill to pay off as taxpayers.

Don't trust the drug companies, and don't trust the government.

Fight the power.

Wrath of Lamb April 20/10

So, the BC government has announced it will go ahead with a huge dam project in the northern part of the province. They say it's needed in order to meet the energy needs of BC in the next century. They say they don't know how much it will cost, but it'll probably be more than 6-billion dollars. That's dam expensive. Premier Gordon Campbell says it'll create thousands of jobs, and that's a dam good thing. But some environmental groups and First Nations think it will be dam damaging. That's no dam good. I'm not sure what to think, on one hand we need the dam energy, but on the other hand, can we afford the dam thing? Seems like you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Damn.

Wrath of Lamb April 19/10

Today is the start of Earth Week around the world. It's meant to bring awareness to issues like climate change, recycling and the environment. So I thought I'd share some statistics that should hopefully scare the crap out of you, and make you think twice about buying that Hummer or throwing that plastic bottle in the garbage. 20% of the world’s population of people living in developed countries, like the U-S, and in Europe, consume 80% of the world’s resources. If countries like China and India had the same consumption habits we have in the west, we would need 5 planets to meet the resource demand!

Remember that Wall Street bailout in the States? It's costing taxpayers around $700 billion and growing.  Yet, just 4% of the Wall Street bailout could end world hunger. Though the problem is often thought of as unsolvable, in truth, the global food crisis could be completely solved by creating agricultural programs that would cost about $30 billion a year. 1 billion people in the world do not have access to clean water

In North America, we throw away 2.5 million plastic bottles every hour, and go through enough office paper to build a 12-foot wall from Los Angeles to New York City. We throw away 570 disposable diapers every second, and toss out enough aluminum cans to rebuild our commercial air fleet every three months. Have you ever heard of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch?  Dylan has talked about it before... look it up...It is a swirling vortex of waste and debris in the Pacific Ocean, covering an area twice the size of the continental U.S. and holds nearly 100 million tons of garbage.

Some stuff to think about this week.

Wrath of Lamb April 16/10

Tomorrow is 'Record Store Day' across North America. It's a day set aside to pay honour to our local independent record stores, and the enduring legacy of vinyl.

I think that's great.

My wife and I have a pretty decent record collection, maybe 1200 or so, and as much of a pain in the ass as they are to move, we've never gotten rid of them. And we've moved alot. My friend Kliph has more than 10-thousand... and they're nearly all comedy albums. These days, most of us get our music by downloading it onto our computers. So impersonal, so clinical. Records are great because when you're listening to a record, and you're holding the sleeve in your hand, you feel kind of a personal connection with the artist you're listening to. You can look at the artwork, read the lyrics, see who played on what song... it makes it a far more interactive experience. And besides, I subscribe to the belief that if you have a decent stereo, a vinyl record sounds WAY better than anything digital.

So, I say go out and support your local record store tomorrow for Record Store Day.

Wrath of Lamb April 15/10

I want to put a call out there for people to come down and support the first ever amateur night at Hecklers this Sunday. After getting quite a few calls and emails from people interested in giving stand-up comedy a shot, we decided to set aside one night a month for folks to give it a try. So, this Sunday is the first one. I was very surprised at how many people in Victoria consider themselves would-be comedians, and I think that's awesome.

We have about 10 people on the bill, girls and guys... some have done it a few times before, but most of them will be stepping on stage for the first time. For some, it will also be their last time, but a few will probably get the 'bug' and want to continue with it. I think getting on stage to make a room full of strangers laugh is something everyone should try once in their life. Dylan did it... he did a good job, too. So, come down to Hecklers this Sunday and have a beer and a laugh and show support for local talent.

Wrath of Lamb April 14/10

I think I need help.

It seems I can't... stop... stalking... Steve Martin. He's my comedy idol, and I've always wanted to meet him. I don't know why. I've made two very serious attempts, both last year. It didn't happen, but I did get to see him live twice. I thought I was done... I even said to Dylan that I was finished chasing old men around the continent.

But then this....

Steve Martin, Owen Wilson and Jack Black are going to be in Tofino filming a movie next month. Tofino! A tiny little seaside town... If I can get up there, I know I'll be able to meet him. I just know it. No! No! I can't. But it's gonna drive me crazy, being down here in Victoria, knowing Steve Martin is just a few hours away.

I really think I need help.

Wrath of Lamb April 13/10

Wow... I found out this morning that Roger Waters is touring this year, performing the entire 'Pink Floyd ThWall' album from start to finish, in honour of its 30th anniversary. He says this is probably his final tour ever.He hasn't performed The Wall in 20 years.He was, of course, the front man for Pink Floyd, before they broke up in the early eighties. And he's awesome.

I have to be there.

It's gonna be a major spectacle. The way the stage show works, is during the performance of the double album, a giant wall is slowly constructed across the stage, hundreds of feet high. Then, at the end, the whole thing gets torn down.

It'll be epic.

He's bringing the tour to Vancouver on December 10th. And, by a weird coincidence, it was on December 10th, 1987 when I saw Pink Floyd, without Roger Waters, at BC Place stadium. It was an experience I'll never forget. I spent several years trying to re-create that concert in my brain, using various different, uh, avenues. Anyway, I'm very excited, and now I have a concert to look forward to to cap off 2010.

Wrath of Lamb April 12/10

All right, well, Dylan and I had a bit of an argument last week about the dead grey whale that washed up on a beach in Sooke. He thought it was weird and disturbing that people would want to go and see it.

I disagreed, because I can understand how it's a once-in-a-lifetime event, and how it would be interesting and educational. Well, everyone just had to take it too far. They've now removed the whale, because people were going down there and actually cutting pieces out of the whale and taking them home as souvenirs. That is the height of disrespect and frankly, really disgusting.

Why would anyone want that?

You gonna have some guests over... 'Please, enjoy my mantelpiece... There's my bowling trophies, pictures of my grandparents, that's a jade bowl.. help yourself to a piece of candy... Oh, and that? That's a chunk of flesh I carved out of a dead rotting whale carcass that was decomposing on the beach... Okay, dinner time!' It's really gross, and I'm glad they made the decision to remove the poor thing. So, I guess what I'm really saying is.... sorry, Dylan, you were right.

Wrath of Lamb April 09/10

It was on this day back in 1970, that Paul McCartney filed a writ in the British High Court, to have the Beatles dissolved as a business partnership. That was forty years ago now, and The Beatles remain probably the most influencial rock group of all time.

It really is pretty amazing when you think about it.

The group was together less than a decade, and produced an unbelievable amount of work... hundreds of songs that are known all over the world. They were a band for only eight years... think about that.

Nickelback have been together for 15 years.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... anyone who says they don't like the Beatles is lying. It's like saying you're not a fan of air or happiness. The Beatles continue to be one the best selling artists every year, and every new generation gets introduced to them. I think that is awesome. The Beatles stood for peace... for love... and for great music. It came to an end 40 years ago today, but the legacy will never die.

I love the Beatles.

Wrath of Lamb April 08/10

It seems weird, but there are some people on TV who make me cringe everytime I see them, and I find myself hating them without ever having met them. A tight little ball of hot rage bubbles up inside me whenever I see Rick Campanelli on my television screen. He's one of the hosts of ET Canada, and I hate him. He might be the nicest guy in the world in person, but everytime I see him I want to punch that stupid smile off his face. He sounds like a 12-year old boy.He started out on MuchMusic, as 'Rick the Temp', and I didn't like him back then, either, but I was like 'Well, at least he's just a temp'.

Fifteen years later, and he's still on TV.

Something about entertainment show hosts... I also can't stand Ben Mulroney. He looks orange, and he's got a hair-do like a gay Dracula. But again, who knows? Maybe he's the nicest guy in the world. But I've heard he's a real douchebag.

Wrath of Lamb April 07/10

Well, once again it looks like the Canadian dollar is on par with the U-S. And they say it will probably exceed the American dollar in the next week or so. I remember when this happened a few years ago. It took so long for prices to become fair, that by the time it was adjusted, the loonie was back below the US dollar.
I'm talking about stuff like books, magazines and greeting cards. I bought a book yesterday at the grocery store. It was $11.95 US or $16.95 Canadian. I paid $16.95... five bucks more... even though our dollars are now even. Doesn't seem fair, does it? I'll bet once again, they take their sweet time making the prices more fair. So, I say, in the meantime, go out and buy a bunch of American cash, and the next time you're buying a book or a magazine, pay the American amount with your US money. They would have to honour it, I would think. And if they give you a hard time, show them you mean business with your American money, and pull out a gun and shoot them.

Wrath of Lamb April 06/10

So, we can expect to be hearing a lot more about the HST in the next month or so. As of today, the people opposed to the new tax have 90 days to get a whole whack of signatures on a petition. They need 10-percent of the voters in every riding in B-C... 85 ridings. But if they do it, they could defeat the tax. I don't know a whole about the details, but it seems pretty obvious that this tax will hurt consumers like you and me and will only really benefit big business. It's gonna cost you more to eat out at restaurants, buy gym memberships, bikes, used cars and even funeral services. Pretty much everything that was PST exempt will now cost an extra seven percent. If this sounds like it sucks, and it does, I urge you to take five minutes out of your life and sign one of these petitions when you see it. It could save you a whole lot of money in the long run.

Wrath of Lamb April 05/10

I hope everybody had a nice Easter weekend. I guess today is Easter Monday. I never understood Easter Monday. It's not an official holiday, and it's certainly not the same as Easter Sunday. So, why does it get to be called 'Easter Monday'? Is tomorrow 'Easter Tuesday'? No. Today is just Monday. If anything, Saturday should have been called 'Easter Saturday'... at least it's between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, and it's part of the weekend. But what's the good of 'Easter Monday'? Nothing, I say. So, happy Monday. Easter is over.

Wrath of Lamb April 02/10

I made the mistake of watching 'Entertainment Tonight' last night.

There was nothing on there about entertainment at all. They talked about Jesse James cheating on Sandra Bullock, Tiger Woods and his mistresses, Charlie Sheen's drug problems, Corey Haim's overdose and the death of Michael Jackson. They also talked about plastic surgery disasters. I remember back in the day when Entertainment Tonight first started, it was actually about entertainment. They would talk about the new movies coming out, the new music being released, and they'd have interviews with talented celebrities about the creative projects they were working on. Now all they talk about is child murder, obesity, depression and suicide.

Is this where we're at now?

It seems nobody cares about anything but scandal, negativity, heartbreak and tragedy. It's a sad state of affairs. Call me old-fashioned, but bring back the old days when music video channels actually played music videos instead of shows about rich young idiots, when people were famous for something they actually accomplished, and entertainment meant entertainment.

Mary Hart's still pretty hot though.

Wrath of Lamb April 01/10

One of my best friends growing up was a guy named Paul. We met in grade 5 and we were inseparable friends for several years, always getting into silly trouble and having a blast. Paul had an incurable and fatal lung disease called Cystic Fibrosis, which requires daily physiotherapy to avoid infections in the lungs. I didn't know much about it then, because Paul never really talked about it, but I saw the oxygen machines and stuff at his house. I don't think Paul was expected to live long past high school.

Well, he turned 40 years old last year.

I lost contact with Paul after high school, but have re-connected with him in the past couple years... we go for a beer every couple months. He keeps himself healthier than anyone I know, but the Cystic Fibrosis is still continuing to take its toll. Paul asked me to take part in the 'Great Strides' walk in May, it's a fundraiser for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Many people who are closely connected with the disease believe a cure is just around the corner, and funding is the only thing in the way.

So, this is my plea for you to sponsor me for this year's walk.

Just go to http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=832002&LangPref=en-CA

Thanks.