Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wrath of Lamb January 28/10

You know in the movie 'UP', where they have a dog with an electronic collar that translates its thoughts into English? I want one of those for my little boy. A little translator machine, so he could say stuff like 'Before you open that diaper, you might want to hold your nose... it's like Armaggedon down there'. Or 'I'm enjoying playing with you, Dad, but just so you know, in a minute I'm gonna run and jump on you and kick you strraight in the nards'. He had a total meltdown in the store yesterday, and I did not see it coming.

If he had one of those translator things, maybe he could've said to me... 'You know what, dad? I'm actually in a really bad mood, and if you take me inside that London Drugs, I'm gonna want to pull a basket around... And when it doesn't work properly, I'm gonna freak out. I'm gonna start crying and screaming and kicking. It won't make any sense, but that's what I'm gonna do... And when you pick me up to take me out of the store, I'm just gonna get louder and more upset, and everyone will look at you and think you are abducting me... So, dad, maybe let's not go to London Drugs today'. I would've said 'No problem, son, thanks for the heads up'.

I want a baby translator... Whattya say, science?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Wrath of Lamb January 20/10

So, yesterday there were some major cuts made at City TV stations across the country, including the one in Vancouver. The news was slashed, and they got rid of 'Lunch Television' and a little show called the 'CityNews List'. The CityNews List was four people who sat around a table for half and hour, riffing and making jokes about the news of the day.

Those four people are friends of mine, all comics from Vancouver and I'm very sad that their show has been cancelled. They found out yesterday just before they taped their last episode.

Nice, eh?

I realize that TV is all about business and the bottom dollar, but it's sad that they didn't give this show more of a chance. It was really good. It wasn't always hilarious, but it often was. So, today my thoughts go out to Graham, Erica, Paul and Charlie. You guys are too talented not to bounce back from this. So goodbye, CityNews List. Can't wait to see what irrelevant crap they put in its place.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Wrath of Lamb January 19/10

We've all seen the 'L' stickers and the 'N' stickers on the backs of cars. The 'L' stands for 'Learner' while the 'N' stands for 'Novice'. Makes sense. There was even talk about putting a 'D' sticker on for people convicted of drunk driving. I like that idea.

But I have now seen something else around Victoria. On three separate occasions now, I have seen 'S' stickers. It stands for 'Senior'. I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with this information... 'Oh, there's an S sticker, I guess they're not really turning left after all'.

I think we should have all kinds of different stickers.

Maybe a 'Y' for 'Yakking on my cellphone' Or a 'T', for 'Truck driven by someone who doesn't need a truck'. Or one that I think would fly off the shelves in this town... a giant 'B' for 'Bonehead'.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Wrath of Lamb January 18/10

I'm gonna tell you a story from my youth, but I want to state very clearly, that I do not approve or condone any of the behaviour. Okay?

When I was a teenager, one of my best friends was Dan... now Dan and I used to think of ourselves as film makers, and we'd make these cheesy cops and robbers movies in his basement. Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry type stuff. Well, one day Dan got home from school and went into his room, and he noticed his mom had been cleaning in there. Now, Dan had a small bag of pot in his room, but when he looked for it, it was gone.

He went into his parents' room, and saw his bag sitting on his mother's night stand. He panicked, because he knew she had found it and was going to kill him when she got home. He called me up and was in total freak out mode. So we devised a plan.

He went to the kitchen and filled another bag with oregano, then switched it with the bag of pot. When his mom got home she said 'Dan, we need to have a talk...' She sat him down and pulled out the bag... 'What is this?!!' He laughed 'Oh, mom, ha ha, that's a prop from one of our movies, we were doing this drug bust scene, you see, look, I'll show you.' He took her to the kitchen, and showed here the empty spice jar. "I was gonna put it back, I just forgot'. What could she do?

Off scott free... Brilliant.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Wrath of Lamb January 15/10

Any way you look at it, Conan O'Brien is getting screwed. I'm sure you've all been following it, but just to re-cap... Conan took over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno seven months ago, something that had been in the works for years. Just before he took over, Leno decided he didn't want to retire from TV, so NBC gave him a show at 10pm. Now, the ratings aren't so hot, so NBC wants to Leno back on at 11:30pm, and bumping the Tonight Show to midnight. Well, Conan doesn't like that, so he's gonna leave, which means Jay Leno will get the Tonight Show again... which is exactly what NBC wanted.

It has all been very unfair to Conan... regardless of how much money he makes, and will make from all of this, the truth is, the dream of pretty much every talk show host is to one day fill the shoes of Johnny Carson. David Letterman left NBC 15 years ago, because he wasn't offered the Tonight Show. I highly recommend a book called 'The Late Shift' by Bill Carter, all about the battle between Leno, Letterman, NBC and CBS, when Johnny Carson retired. It was quite the drama. They didn't give Conan enough of a chance.

And besides, Jay Leno just isn't funny anymore.