Wrath of Lamb February 10/10

You ever have those moments when you say something during a conversation without really thinking about it, and it comes across as ridiculously stupid? Something that makes you look like a total doorknob?

I have two favourite ones.

The first was a few years ago when my wife and I were visiting our neighbour, who had just gotten back from Southeast Asia. There were a bunch of us there, and he was showing us a slideshow of his trip to the killing fields in Cambodia. Really intense photos of thousands and thousands of skulls. A woman at the party piped up and said 'Why are some of the skulls smashed in?' He said 'Because to save money on bullets, they would sometimes just crush people's skulls with clubs' And she said 'Oh my... and then they would fish out the bullets?'

My other favourite idiot moment was one of mine. I was going camping with some buddies and I knew were going tubing, so I was trying to figure out where to buy a large inner tube. My wife said, 'Why don't you go to the Kal Tire store up the street?' I said 'No, that store is too small. It needs to be a big place, I mean, you need a warehouse to store all the inner tubes'. My wife said 'Jason, they come deflated'.

I had pictured a giant room stacked to the ceiling with big puffy inner tubes.

Wrath of Lamb February 09/10

So, I'm back from a nice holiday. Didn't do a whole lot... went to Kelowna last weekend to visit some old buddies. I've talked before about how I'm not a fan of UFC, how I think it's a brutal sport that just feeds aggressive behaviour. Well, on Saturday night I went with my friends to a bar and watched the entire UFC 109 'Relentless' pay-per view. I thought 'Here's my opportunity to try and understand this thing and maybe enjoy it'.

But my god, is it ever brutal.

It's also incredibly homo-erotic. At one point, this one dude got his forehead cut open and it was bleeding like a faucet. The announcers were like 'Oh, that's gonna make him slippery'. So, here I am, watching two guys in their underwear, covered in blood, sliding around with their legs intertwined. It was like some ancient Roman porn or something. Then he finished the guy off by choking him til he passed out. Hmmm. David Carradine would be proud.

Yeah... my opinion of UFC hasn't changed.

Wrath of Lamb January 28/10

You know in the movie 'UP', where they have a dog with an electronic collar that translates its thoughts into English? I want one of those for my little boy. A little translator machine, so he could say stuff like 'Before you open that diaper, you might want to hold your nose... it's like Armaggedon down there'. Or 'I'm enjoying playing with you, Dad, but just so you know, in a minute I'm gonna run and jump on you and kick you strraight in the nards'. He had a total meltdown in the store yesterday, and I did not see it coming.

If he had one of those translator things, maybe he could've said to me... 'You know what, dad? I'm actually in a really bad mood, and if you take me inside that London Drugs, I'm gonna want to pull a basket around... And when it doesn't work properly, I'm gonna freak out. I'm gonna start crying and screaming and kicking. It won't make any sense, but that's what I'm gonna do... And when you pick me up to take me out of the store, I'm just gonna get louder and more upset, and everyone will look at you and think you are abducting me... So, dad, maybe let's not go to London Drugs today'. I would've said 'No problem, son, thanks for the heads up'.

I want a baby translator... Whattya say, science?

Wrath of Lamb January 20/10

So, yesterday there were some major cuts made at City TV stations across the country, including the one in Vancouver. The news was slashed, and they got rid of 'Lunch Television' and a little show called the 'CityNews List'. The CityNews List was four people who sat around a table for half and hour, riffing and making jokes about the news of the day.

Those four people are friends of mine, all comics from Vancouver and I'm very sad that their show has been cancelled. They found out yesterday just before they taped their last episode.

Nice, eh?

I realize that TV is all about business and the bottom dollar, but it's sad that they didn't give this show more of a chance. It was really good. It wasn't always hilarious, but it often was. So, today my thoughts go out to Graham, Erica, Paul and Charlie. You guys are too talented not to bounce back from this. So goodbye, CityNews List. Can't wait to see what irrelevant crap they put in its place.

Wrath of Lamb January 19/10

We've all seen the 'L' stickers and the 'N' stickers on the backs of cars. The 'L' stands for 'Learner' while the 'N' stands for 'Novice'. Makes sense. There was even talk about putting a 'D' sticker on for people convicted of drunk driving. I like that idea.

But I have now seen something else around Victoria. On three separate occasions now, I have seen 'S' stickers. It stands for 'Senior'. I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with this information... 'Oh, there's an S sticker, I guess they're not really turning left after all'.

I think we should have all kinds of different stickers.

Maybe a 'Y' for 'Yakking on my cellphone' Or a 'T', for 'Truck driven by someone who doesn't need a truck'. Or one that I think would fly off the shelves in this town... a giant 'B' for 'Bonehead'.

Wrath of Lamb January 18/10

I'm gonna tell you a story from my youth, but I want to state very clearly, that I do not approve or condone any of the behaviour. Okay?

When I was a teenager, one of my best friends was Dan... now Dan and I used to think of ourselves as film makers, and we'd make these cheesy cops and robbers movies in his basement. Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry type stuff. Well, one day Dan got home from school and went into his room, and he noticed his mom had been cleaning in there. Now, Dan had a small bag of pot in his room, but when he looked for it, it was gone.

He went into his parents' room, and saw his bag sitting on his mother's night stand. He panicked, because he knew she had found it and was going to kill him when she got home. He called me up and was in total freak out mode. So we devised a plan.

He went to the kitchen and filled another bag with oregano, then switched it with the bag of pot. When his mom got home she said 'Dan, we need to have a talk...' She sat him down and pulled out the bag... 'What is this?!!' He laughed 'Oh, mom, ha ha, that's a prop from one of our movies, we were doing this drug bust scene, you see, look, I'll show you.' He took her to the kitchen, and showed here the empty spice jar. "I was gonna put it back, I just forgot'. What could she do?

Off scott free... Brilliant.

Wrath of Lamb January 15/10

Any way you look at it, Conan O'Brien is getting screwed. I'm sure you've all been following it, but just to re-cap... Conan took over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno seven months ago, something that had been in the works for years. Just before he took over, Leno decided he didn't want to retire from TV, so NBC gave him a show at 10pm. Now, the ratings aren't so hot, so NBC wants to Leno back on at 11:30pm, and bumping the Tonight Show to midnight. Well, Conan doesn't like that, so he's gonna leave, which means Jay Leno will get the Tonight Show again... which is exactly what NBC wanted.

It has all been very unfair to Conan... regardless of how much money he makes, and will make from all of this, the truth is, the dream of pretty much every talk show host is to one day fill the shoes of Johnny Carson. David Letterman left NBC 15 years ago, because he wasn't offered the Tonight Show. I highly recommend a book called 'The Late Shift' by Bill Carter, all about the battle between Leno, Letterman, NBC and CBS, when Johnny Carson retired. It was quite the drama. They didn't give Conan enough of a chance.

And besides, Jay Leno just isn't funny anymore.